๐ฅ separating and ๐
Posted: Wed, Nov 5, 2025 10:14:16 AM
reconciling what is in my heart and what is in my head does not come automagically, even with a long minute in active recovery. as long as i have been alive, or at least that is what it feels like, i have had difficulty separating what i think and what i feel, often substituting one for the other, without realizing that i had done so. yeah, saying i am unconsciously doing something today is a fucking cop-out, it may have been reality way back when, but i cannot get away with that shit today, as i know better. this however, is a rabbit-hole i need not explore, what once was in truly no more, no matter how hard i want to cling to the fantasy that i am powerless over my recovery.
thinking and feeling often are one in the same for me today. many days of doing this recovery gig have those two better aligned than they ever were in the past. before i break my arm patting myself on the back, i have to state that when they are not, which occurs on a daily basis, i can get going down the wrong path, making poor choices and feeling put on upon. the assignment that i am currently embarked upon, goes straight to the heart of feeling and thinking. i am supposed to keep track of the number of times i “think” a driver has done something that affects me. what i have uncovered is that after decades of driving, i have developed the feeling that i am entitled to the expectation that everyone drives in the same manner as i do: courteous, respectful, attentive and five miles over the speed limit. 😁 just pounding out those bits and bytes, make me cringe, which means that i will have to share that feeling and the judgements that arise out of that feeling at the meeting i will be attending at noon today. after all, if i do not tell on myself, how will i ever get better? 🤔
as i stumble into my morning and move on, i can be sure that i will judge at least one other driver on my journeys today. i can also be sure that will lead to more that a tiny bit of self-flagellation, as i “should” know better! what i hope to strive for is to replace that reaction with an affirmation in response to that behavior asking for my need to take the way drivers with whom i share the road, drive in the manner i have come to expect. IF i can start feeling that affirmation rather than just thinking it, perhaps i will be able to break a pattern that is decades old and has been ingrained into my driving self. just for today, i can try my best to be a bit better.
thinking and feeling often are one in the same for me today. many days of doing this recovery gig have those two better aligned than they ever were in the past. before i break my arm patting myself on the back, i have to state that when they are not, which occurs on a daily basis, i can get going down the wrong path, making poor choices and feeling put on upon. the assignment that i am currently embarked upon, goes straight to the heart of feeling and thinking. i am supposed to keep track of the number of times i “think” a driver has done something that affects me. what i have uncovered is that after decades of driving, i have developed the feeling that i am entitled to the expectation that everyone drives in the same manner as i do: courteous, respectful, attentive and five miles over the speed limit. 😁 just pounding out those bits and bytes, make me cringe, which means that i will have to share that feeling and the judgements that arise out of that feeling at the meeting i will be attending at noon today. after all, if i do not tell on myself, how will i ever get better? 🤔
as i stumble into my morning and move on, i can be sure that i will judge at least one other driver on my journeys today. i can also be sure that will lead to more that a tiny bit of self-flagellation, as i “should” know better! what i hope to strive for is to replace that reaction with an affirmation in response to that behavior asking for my need to take the way drivers with whom i share the road, drive in the manner i have come to expect. IF i can start feeling that affirmation rather than just thinking it, perhaps i will be able to break a pattern that is decades old and has been ingrained into my driving self. just for today, i can try my best to be a bit better.
∞ DT ∞