Some memes

i can be my own person, reminds me that as my peers let me be me, i must let them be themselves. the past three days i have found myself in a state of being in which i am not used to being. a lightness, a joy in living and a balance between emotions and serenity. yes it is true my clean date has passed and i have received more than enough praise and recognition, but this started before i read the very first text of congratulations. it happened before i sat and listened to the void. it happened when i opened my eyes and my clean date dawned. why and how is not something i need to investigate or quantify, i am at peace enjoying this state of being. i could go into all the parts and pieces but instead i will accept that i get to rebuild a relationship with an old friend, someone i got clean with, even if we decide the sponsor sponsee relationship needs to end. i showed up for one of my team mates and told him if he left i would miss him but i understand where he is coming from. i was present enough to cross a boundary very gently and the consequences made my spouse's easier. what is really going on, i think anyhow, is for the first time in a long time, i may actually be beginning to see that my HOPE of relief from my internal judge, jury and executioner may actually have a dimmer switch. life will certainly go on.
this morning i got to share at my home group as it is my wont during the week following my clean date. i picked something very basic and for the first time, i said out loud what i had always known the three disturbing realizations were never applied in my life, fully until after i became a member and started to actually work the steps. the first that i am powerless over addiction, gave me license to be a dick and do just about anything that i desired. after all, what would one expect i am powerless over being an addict, so excuse me for living in that little slice of literature. as i stayed clean and actually started to understand that i may not be responsible for being an addict, i was responsible for my recovery, which also meant i was responsible for my actions. as noted by my personal recovery model, that is one of the sticks i use to beat myself up. restoring that realization to its proper perspective is what this set of steps is all about. the third that i could no longer blame anyone or anything else, was the toughest of all. after all nothing was ever my fault. ROFLMAO!
right now, as i move forward into the rest of my day, i am still in that same spiritual and emotional state: happy and free. work may be challenging today as we have a big party coming in and my team mate is not happy. i am not approaching work with any trepidation, just a modicum of concern about being my best in a challenging situation. where once i believed i was not a social creature, i am beginning to see that perhaps i was one all along and it took retail to bring it out. i will take that notion and run with it, just for today.

∞ DT ∞