๐ i will practice ๐
Posted: Wed, Oct 14, 2026 11:06:58 AM
the freedom that arises from restraint today, by not being rude or running from my feelings. fantasy football day 2 how did i do with my waivers and what free agents do i need, started my trip to the void. i am glad that i could quickly dismiss those detours way from the here and now and enjoy the quiet. my spouse asked me the other day why i got up so early. i almost said i require at least an hour of no human interaction to get my day rolling and you need me to be present for you, as soon as you get up. that is the whole truth, what i said is i need time to “ease into my day.” with a list of what i do for that hour appended on to that statement. it is the truth, but shaded a bit for better consumption and if my sponse would ask, it is dishonest, a little white lie. one that i am quite comfortable with, as the brutal truth would serve little purpose and i “get” to be an attentive and attractive partner by sacrificing a bit of sleep for domestic bliss.
as i continue down the path of using restraint, i can see that fudging the truth is not necessarily a bad thing. when i was using and throughout the early years of my recovery, saying i was brutally honest would be an understatement. i used honesty as a weapon and wielded it without compassion.don't ask me what i think of you, i might not give the answer that you want me to, could have been my theme song. learning how to still see what i see and be kind and compassionate took a very long minute. even to this day, when asked, my first though is often wrong and my filters need to be strictly applied.
a case in point, one of the regulars at my job is trying to get back into my good graces. he has lied to me, made racist remarks and generally acts in a manner one might call entitled. i have maintained cool courtesy with him, as i am not all that willing to bring toxic individuals into my life. i have forgiven him, but have yet to forget how this ‒Christian” church-going person has acted. he is one of three of my customers who i am attempting to reconcile in my head and with whom i can be warmer and more friendly. it is almost as if i NEED an object or three to center my contempt upon, to deflect it from myself. nice work when one can get it. that theme was established in my TENTH STEP last night and i asked for the ways and means to resolve it. i am not going to quit my job and i am more than sure none of them will stop being regulars at the shop. the need to see them as something more, is arising from within me and not being imposed from without. as weird as it might sound, i am choosing to seek. perhaps this SIXTH STEP will not be so bad after all, or at least, just for today.
as i continue down the path of using restraint, i can see that fudging the truth is not necessarily a bad thing. when i was using and throughout the early years of my recovery, saying i was brutally honest would be an understatement. i used honesty as a weapon and wielded it without compassion.don't ask me what i think of you, i might not give the answer that you want me to, could have been my theme song. learning how to still see what i see and be kind and compassionate took a very long minute. even to this day, when asked, my first though is often wrong and my filters need to be strictly applied.
a case in point, one of the regulars at my job is trying to get back into my good graces. he has lied to me, made racist remarks and generally acts in a manner one might call entitled. i have maintained cool courtesy with him, as i am not all that willing to bring toxic individuals into my life. i have forgiven him, but have yet to forget how this ‒Christian” church-going person has acted. he is one of three of my customers who i am attempting to reconcile in my head and with whom i can be warmer and more friendly. it is almost as if i NEED an object or three to center my contempt upon, to deflect it from myself. nice work when one can get it. that theme was established in my TENTH STEP last night and i asked for the ways and means to resolve it. i am not going to quit my job and i am more than sure none of them will stop being regulars at the shop. the need to see them as something more, is arising from within me and not being imposed from without. as weird as it might sound, i am choosing to seek. perhaps this SIXTH STEP will not be so bad after all, or at least, just for today.
∞ DT ∞