Some memes

me my first sustained exposure to the good feelings that come with giving of myself. although truth be told, my good feelings were not about the fulfilling nature of doing the nextt right thing for the right reason. the good feeling i felt was, esteem, respect and attention from my peers. as any good addict may want to do, i fed those feelings by taking on more service, especially service that was highly visible to my peers. the more they paid attention to me and what i was doing the better i felt and my first decade in recovery was all about chasing that feeling. yes i was and can still be a sick pup. when i was twelve years clean my sponsor strongly suggested that perhaps i would better served, if i served quietly and without fanfare. when my resistance faded and i actually made the changes to how i served the fellowship, thing changed internally. one might say i had a spiritual awakening or an “A-HA” moment i am grateful today that i could accept the gifts of service without the chains of external validation. my service these days is on the quiet side, and i have respectfully declined to take a committee service positions. is not as if i feel “unwell” or fearful of backsliding. what feel is that my current service to the fellowship is complete, in this moment.
it is serving my customers and my team members where i am laser focused right now. my coworker does stuff that bugs the loving shit out of me. last night he shut off the music 30 minutes before close and smiled when i asked way, he said it was to create a hint. the ambivalence of that statement is what is creating my current sense of confusion. if it was for customers it was a fail, as the only customer left in the lounge had his noise cancelling earbuds in. as a result, he could not take the hint. i was already deep into my closing procedure, so if i was to take the hint, it arrived much too late. the customer insists that i interact with him, even if he is the type of person i would willingly choose to sit down with and have some conversation. he looked generally hurt when i did not reply to his statement last night saying that was joke and was funny. i remained quiet and continues to ring up his purchase. to me, i need to fins the ways and meant to move beyond cold courtesy and into a warm and welcoming attitude towards the both of them. my TENTH Step revealed that to me last night, now all i have to do is put it into action. tonight will be my next opportunity to do so.
and so, it is time to enter my day and get moving. there is not a whole lot i need to accomplish this morning and yet i feel that i have come to the end of what i needed to write. it is a good day to remember that my service is not about me, it is about those with whom i interact and my peers in the fellowship.

∞ DT ∞