Blog entry for:

of fellowship, help me to live a life based in mercy, rather than justice. it is unfortunate that when my internal **justice** system kicks in, i lose any sense of being **plugged-in** with the fellowship that has given me this new means of living. a case in point is what happened as i was trying to carry the message to those who are unable to get to a meeting. although i certainly know why i was there, i question the motives of many of those who were in the room. that being said, i am not the arbiter of who may or may not have “pure” motives and do a fairly good job of keeping that train of thought, in the station. it was when they started to give me advice by including me in their “we” shares. what i wanted to say in response, cross-talking like a bad dawg was: “if YOU knew so much about how to do this recovery gig, YOU would not be sitting in this room, so shut the f*cvk up and listen, maybe, just maybe you may learn something.”
as one can tell, the misuse of pronouns is one of my biggest pet peeves, especially when my peers, start implying that their experience is mine, just because we happen to share the disease of addiction and a path to recovery. it is difficult for me to understand how they could miss the point that using the pronouns “you” and “we” smacks of giving advice, most of them are fairly intelligent and seem to be aware of what is going on in the world around them. i am however, powerless over that and have come to accept that for whatever reason, they are doing the best that they can. my only bit of power in this situation is to lead by example and continue to share about how I recover and the experiences that brought ME to this place in my existence.
okay, now that i got my little drop of poison out, i have to admit i did fill the prescription for painkillers that my oral surgeon wrote for me. i have yet to take even one, and based on how i am feeling right now, probably will not take one. when i filled it, i told the tech that handed me the bottle of dope, that i was getting just in case, after all they are not open at 2:00 AM, when i might “need” it for pain. what a nice juicy and quite defensible justification. sounds so rational and oh so “normal.” even those who are not addicted may purchase that bottle of pills, “just in case,” <BOOM!> and now i have dropped myself out of the addict bucket and back into the other 85%, not even a slippery slope, i was a free-fall. i know what i have in my bathroom and i also know that if i use it as prescribed, i might kick addiction back into high gear. by telling on myself, i get the freedom to pitch the remainder into the bit bucket, in a couple of days and i have my peers to hold me accountable to do so. this part of this “we” program, i am totally on board with, at least just for today. if i get all weird and defensive when “they” ask me about that bottle of dope, “i” know that something else is going on and I need to let them in, to combat it. it is after all, what i am most grateful for these days, a fellowship full of others that think along the same lines as i do.

∞ DT ∞