Blog entry for:

better by cleaning up my life.
The spiritual burden of a resentment or two, certainly does not feel all that heavy, I still move forward in my life, I still can make sane decisions, and I can still be an active part of my recovery, for the most part. As much as I hate to admit it, carrying around a resentment or two makes me feel human and part of the crowd, after all doesn't everyone carry around at least one, all the time?
When I came to the rooms, I was full of rage, anger and yes some very major resentments. In fact it was not until I first let a few of the obvious ones go, in that very first, FOURTH STEP that the desire to use left me. Not that it was just my resentments, blocking me from spiritual growth, but getting rid of them was certainly part of the solution. The reading this morning reminds me that any resentment, petty or justified, may not block me from growth, but certainly can hinder my journey into becoming the sort of person I have always wanted to be. The question then becomes, how much do I want to hinder my process. and that is always a tricky sort of question.
There was a time, when being part of the crowd, even in the rooms of recovery was something that was desirable for me. Having a resentment or three to share about, made me feel like I was one of the gang. This behavior has yet to be entirely removed, every now and again, I still want to be part of the gang, and hold on to some resentment, instead of processing the anger and moving on. The question gets transformed into this; “what is my pay-off?” I am certainly not getting even with the object of my resentment. I am certainly not going to feel better about myself, holding on to this anger. I am not going to have any additional personal power, nor will the object of my resentment be given any less space in my head. In short, the only pay-off seems to be that I get a baseball bat to beat myself up with, once again. Once again, I get to show myself, how far I have not come and that even with daily practice of an active program of recovery, I can still fall into the same traps. The payoff appears to be part of the chain of evidence that shows that this recovery gig is just not working for me, and I might as well enjoy myself by indulging something much stronger than a complimentary Kahlua and Cream. After all, it will be just one, and I can always have just for today, tomorrow.
Well, just for today, I see that for the falsehood it is. I am human, I am going to have my toes stepped on, my feelings hurts and suffer disappointment, that is just part of the gig called life. Speaking of which, life and not resentments, it is time to get cleaned up and head on down for breakfast. After which some para-sailing, which has certainly been on my list since the very first time I came to Mazatlan, three decades ago, it is a good day to be clean, and if I survive the rush of excitement, fear and pure joy, I will be back to write about it tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞