๐ carrying the weight ๐
Posted: Mon, Mar 11, 2019 07:34:37 AM
of resentment is a task that i would love to drop. the catch is, i am not a happy go-lucky type, so learning HOW to live without resentment, is a process. letting go of the trespasses of others, especially when they are perpetrated upon me is not something that comes naturally to me and is something that requires work. that being said, it i can move along to the stuff i “heard” as i sat this morning.
one of the notions that came up was how hard it is to grow old and grow up after decades of using. i was forty when i got clean and was more than likely, emotionally somewhere between fifteen and seventeen. learning to become an adult as i am physically approaching “old age is tough, as i do not “get” where i belong socially or culturally. i feel like a forty something, even though i am a sixty something and reconciling what i feel with the reality of who i am, get a bit tougher, every day. there is a resentment here, towards myself, blaming and shaming me for not realizing that i was an addict earlier in my life and willingly giving away my youth to the finding the ways and means to get high. i heard a peer saying that he wanted to forgive himself for being an addict, the other night, and i gave him the pat answer is that “there is no blame in being an addict.” here i sit this morning expressing the same sentiment, and seeing the irony of it all 🡆 i cannot forgive myself for being an addict. as this day progresses, i will have time to consider that even though i am powerless and i was ignorant, that today i do not have to live in the fog of confusion that once inflicted my life. in my journey towards becoming whole, i can certainly drop this two ton boulder along the side of the road and be okay with the fact that what was, is no more and what is, is a gift of doing this recovery gig, just for today.
one more notion to pop off the stack 🡆 on being judgemental. i can see that what i judge as unacceptable in others, is certainly what i see in myself. i know that more than likely i will always be the judge, jury and executioner of everyone in my life, BUT do i need to carry that weight for any longer than it takes to form that judgement? i can see those as being as great of burden as my resentments and IF i want to be rid of the extra weight i carry, perhaps those can also be left by the roadside, just for toady. certainly an interesting mix of stuff to consider and with that in mind, it must be time for me to totter off to work, after all, someone has to pay the bills.
one of the notions that came up was how hard it is to grow old and grow up after decades of using. i was forty when i got clean and was more than likely, emotionally somewhere between fifteen and seventeen. learning to become an adult as i am physically approaching “old age is tough, as i do not “get” where i belong socially or culturally. i feel like a forty something, even though i am a sixty something and reconciling what i feel with the reality of who i am, get a bit tougher, every day. there is a resentment here, towards myself, blaming and shaming me for not realizing that i was an addict earlier in my life and willingly giving away my youth to the finding the ways and means to get high. i heard a peer saying that he wanted to forgive himself for being an addict, the other night, and i gave him the pat answer is that “there is no blame in being an addict.” here i sit this morning expressing the same sentiment, and seeing the irony of it all 🡆 i cannot forgive myself for being an addict. as this day progresses, i will have time to consider that even though i am powerless and i was ignorant, that today i do not have to live in the fog of confusion that once inflicted my life. in my journey towards becoming whole, i can certainly drop this two ton boulder along the side of the road and be okay with the fact that what was, is no more and what is, is a gift of doing this recovery gig, just for today.
one more notion to pop off the stack 🡆 on being judgemental. i can see that what i judge as unacceptable in others, is certainly what i see in myself. i know that more than likely i will always be the judge, jury and executioner of everyone in my life, BUT do i need to carry that weight for any longer than it takes to form that judgement? i can see those as being as great of burden as my resentments and IF i want to be rid of the extra weight i carry, perhaps those can also be left by the roadside, just for toady. certainly an interesting mix of stuff to consider and with that in mind, it must be time for me to totter off to work, after all, someone has to pay the bills.
∞ DT ∞