Blog entry for:

it will make me feel better to clean up my life.
but i like to judge others, in fact it is one of my favorite diversions of all time, who cares if it leads to a resentment or two, there is always another 4th step in my future.
yes i wrote those words, because that is the way i feel sometimes, in fact, after the meeting last night i ran into another addict, who i never thought i would see again. i was dumbstruck and acted all aloof and cold, not because i had judged them for previous actions, but i had never processed my feelings about thew knowledge i had about them. when in doubt, i shout my mouth, and i am certain that action is taken for something else, even though in my case, it is often the spiritual way out of a sticky personal situation. it is more than a bit disconcerting to me, that i have learned to keep my mouth shut at certain times, after all, my mouth was one of my best weapons, back in the day. after walking away from what could have been a messy situation, and in full knowledge that they knew i knew something about their past, my TENTH STEP hammered home, that there were more than two ways to behave in that situation and still be true to my values. in that moment, what i did was not a perfect act, it certainly was an act that i do not regret, and it did give me the opportunity to process what i felt about the situation, years after the whole set of events occurred, and it did reveal that there are some feelings of anger that need to be resolved.
not the best segue into the meat of the what i heard this morning, but certainly an off-loading of a particular piece of stone. yes a friend got hurt. more importantly, i was not hurt, and although i feel his pain, and know what happened, it is not up to me mete out justice, mercy or whatever. what is up to me, is to forgive someone for being a far from perfect human, just like me, and move on. it does not mean i have to like them, or anything, BUT if i love myself, and i do, and if i want to lighten my spiritual burden of crap, and i do, than a bit of forgiveness is in the cards, which i can and will do.
what will happen the next time this addict pops into my life? well, hopefully i will have finished processing my feelings, which i believe i have, yes i am pissed at them. yes they acted less than perfect. yes they hurt a friend. and yes i can forgive them and move on, after all carrying a resentment does not bring them to justice and the only person it injures is me! today, i am about hurting myself less, even though the spiritual sadomasochistic game is still part of my makeup, i need no longer engage it in it full force. that choice of whether or not to form and carry a resentment is up to me. i may be powerless over how i feel, i AM NOT powerless over what i do about that feeling, and so i can move on, pound out this resentment on the streets this morning, as i try and slide between the wind gusts. it is a good day to be good to myself.

∞ DT ∞