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i will seek to rid myself of as much extra weight as possible.
the next line in the reading also has great import to me this morning. chatting with a friend the other day, she pointed out that i was still holding on to one of the resentments from my current set of steps. i knew that i had to forgive myself for having expectations and that the resentment that i was holding only appeared to be against someone else. the cruelty of the lies i tell myself. of course the object of my resentment did have his part in my polishing my anger to a finely polished resentment -- a nice a shiny piece of stone to use the metaphor from the reading. and yes he has yet to even attempt to make things right, but as someone once told me, holding on to a resentment is like shitting my pants, it may feel all warm, but no one but me suffers, and i have to sit in the stench of feces. i did write about it, and i did share it with my sponsor during my fifth step, and yet, something inside me wants to cling to this particular resentment with tenacity. after all, if i do let it go, i have one more rock to pound myself with over and over again. the last thing the part of me i call my disease wants is me to remove all my tools of self-abuse. self-abuse is one of my current behaviors that i am now entirely ready to have removed.
so how do i start to forgive myself? well for one i can let go of my anger towards the other party, he is who he is and was. so today i will work on dropping this pretty stone along the roadside of recovery and start the process of forgiving myself for having more than a few expectations!

∞ DT ∞