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as any one who reads this on a semi-regular basis knows, i am waiting the opportunity to lighten my load through the process of STEP FIVE. i have no reservations about doing so and as time passes what i am discovering that the pain may be fading a bit, but my relationships with the objects of my resentments are very difficult and i am walking on eggshells to keep from telling them what i actually feel. i know that honesty is a spiritual principle that i NEED to adhere to, and i also know that suppressing my feelings is not a healthy manner in which to move forward. i also know that for the time being, i need to keep from causing any more damage in these relationships and i am unable to avoid interacting with some of these folks. i am certainly plodding a fine line here and cannot wait to drop these resentments by the roadside tomorrow.
last evening, i once again wasted my time, txting back and forth with a man who wants all the rewards of recovery, but is not willing to to the work. he likened my upcoming FIFTH STEP to a polygraph test and i had to correct his perception that a FIFTH STEP was a confession of all my sins, at least here in the recovery program that has brought me this far. i replied that i have never experienced “enforced and monitored” honesty and not sure how i would react to being put into that situation. in fact, i would be someone who did his best to try and give the examiner fits and starts by trying to “game” the process, to see if i could lie without being detected. i look to the process i may get to participate in tomorrow, more like a cleansing of my spiritual self, rather than some sort of trial by fire.
this reading is so apropos this morning i could hardly contain myself from laughing out loud,. as i enjoyed the delicious irony of how well it fit. like horoscopes, most of the time, i can make these reading fir into my life, by focusing on one aspect or another. i have been carrying this load of resentments for quite some time, even though i did not write about them until 10 or so days ago. fifty plus years is a long time and to take one incident when i was five and base my whole identity upon the lie i thought explained it, is certainly one of the least healthy things i have done in my life. revealing it and exploring it as part of my FOURTH STEP writings, is the first part of the process towards releasing it. right here and right now, i want to be freed from all the resentments i am carrying big or small, as i am exhausted and need a break. spiritually that is.
today, i will tread lightly, take care of myself and fins the ways and means to see my assets and revel in that process for a bit of time. what once was hidden in plain sight, is no longer being repressed or swallowed. taking the time to respond, rather than react, is my goal for this day. life will be present me a challenge or three over the course of the next few days, and how i handle them is up to me. i want to be able to be as graceful as my spiritual condition allows, even if it is not the easier, softer way.

∞ DT ∞