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my imperfections certainly sounds good on paper. this little exercise could be all about how **well** i am doing just that, or depending on my mood how poorly i am doing. there is still a huge part of me that sees things as True and False and that there is nothing in between. one of my imperfections is that when it comes to how imperfect i am and how i see myself through that lens, i tend to fall into a binary mode of judgement, for me it is either on or off and there is no in-between state. as i sit here this morning trying to figure out what i will do with this day of leisure, i can be certain of just a few things, the first one being that i am after all, only human. that does not mean however, that i allow myself to fall into the trap of rationalizing away my less than stellar behavior with that little bit of reality. i cannot control how i feel anymore, well let me rephrase that, i CHOOSE not to attempt to control my feelings these days. i cannot stop the judgement machine when it kicks in, as that feels more like suppression rather than a healthy response, especially when it comes to looking at myself and my actions. what i can do, is own that i am human, flawed and imperfect, take responsibility for what i did and make reparations, instead of making excuses. one my favorites used to be: “see what you made me do!” 😜
i could argue that the NINTH STEP is all about forgiving myself for what i did across the course of my life, making changes to my behavior and fixing the harm i left behind. that deep philosophical discussion is for another day. what i will say about that, is that i have come to a place in my life where i am beginning to tolerate and accept the nasty bits and pieces of who i am as well as the shiny bright parts. as a result i am bit less cynical and better able to put my judgements aside, being discerning rather than judgemental. living in this manner provides me another day of making choices that lead to consequences that may be a prize or a price. although i prefer the former, i have to accept the latter. as i get ready to roll on out on a workout this morning, i can be certain of two things:

1. i am a human being, as flawed as anyone else
2. and i am an addict doing my level best to live an active program of recovery.

those two facts of life can be the source of great strife and chaos, or a source of experience, strength and hope. i banking on the latter as i walk out into this sunny late winter morning.

∞ DT ∞