Some memes

that i could meet my own needs, i started to feel like i had a future. self-support and self-sufficiency are often two terms i used to use interchangeably. even to this day i can get confused. the test, at least in my mind, is am i using my internal and external resources to provide what i need, or am i under the belief that those resources are all mine and mine alone and that i do not need anyone else to provide me anything. that i can do this myself attitude was prevalent in my active addiction and throughout my early recovery. i was taught from an early age that asking fr any help made me look weak and weaklings got bullied, pummeled and beat down. even when i felt the most vulnerable and helpless, showing signs of any sort of weakness was something i strongly avoided. the point i kept missing was that in the arms of my peers in recovery i was safe, for the most part, and i could reach out for what i needed to recover.
knowing that and implementing that idea, however, too a very long minute, as i am a cynic and my cynicism was much more in control of my reactions back in the day. i had to try “little asks,” especially when i was merely abstinent and see the results, before i felt i could depend on my peers. each time i saw that what i was not ridiculed or humiliated by asking for help, i became a little less self-sufficient and more willing to work on being self-supporting.
when i finally conceded to my innermost self that i was an addict and reached out in desperation to find a new path, i uncovered a well of desire to be a part of something more. to become part of, i knew i ad to drop any pretense of being able to figure this shit out on my own. it was not as if i decided one day, just to do that and <BOOM> i was part of the tribe. no, i stubbornly resisted what i intuitively knew was the next right thing for me to do. bit by bit my resistance was chipped away at and before i knew it, i was not only capable of asking for help, i had the desire to do so, when i was out of notions of how to proceed on my own.
as i was sitting this morning, contemplating the nature of support and sufficiency two themes kept emerging. gratitude for finding the balance between asking for help and doing what i can to support myself. gratitude for the fact that self-sufficiency took me to my knees and created consequences that brought me to the doors of the rooms. most importantly gratitude that my stubborn bull-bullheadedness, kept me from using until i could find recovery and gave me a path to a future outside of the justice system and into a future that i could grow into. just for today i know what i can do for myself and what i require the help of my peers and the POWER that fuels my recovery to accomplish, more often than not.

∞ DT ∞