๐ฒ the courage ๐
Posted: Tue, Apr 22, 2025 07:43:45 AM
to open my heart to share what has seemed impossible for me to talk about. i have to admit, i still fall victim to the notion that i can figure it out myself. a case in point was eleven months ago when i got the diagnosis of malignant melanoma, and i had a very strong desire to use on the down low. did i even consider calling any of my closed-mouth friends, my sponsor, my partner or share about that desire in a meeting? HELL, NO! some may call that self-will, others may call it ego, i just call it severely fucked up. in the short run, i did get through that phase and shared about it, after the fact, but that hardly excuses me from not doing the needful, in real-time.
this morning, as i drove through the city, enjoying my cigar, instead of chewing it to pieces in frustration, i noticed that maybe, just maybe, i am starting to move forward into my THIRD STEP. i only saw two “assholes” even though there were many more drivers that were driving as if the needed to be the first to arrive somewhere. traffic was backed up and slow going in several places, and yet i seemed to take it in stride and certainly did not chastise myself fro allowing those two to cut me off. i was paying attention and did not need to slam on my brakes and i arrived at the office, sane and remarkably calm. all of that is not the usual results of that drive and i am grateful that i was able to experience, something completely different. so it goes…
as i get ready to get back to work, i feel all sorts of stuff, but mostly a whole shit ton of gratitude for not falling into a vengeful, rage filled driver this morning. i have used driving as an indicator of my spiritual fitness throughout my recovery. just for today, perhaps i can carry that feeling with me, into my work routine and move forward with my projects. life in my skin, today, is not too shabby and i will relish that feeling for as long as possible.
this morning, as i drove through the city, enjoying my cigar, instead of chewing it to pieces in frustration, i noticed that maybe, just maybe, i am starting to move forward into my THIRD STEP. i only saw two “assholes” even though there were many more drivers that were driving as if the needed to be the first to arrive somewhere. traffic was backed up and slow going in several places, and yet i seemed to take it in stride and certainly did not chastise myself fro allowing those two to cut me off. i was paying attention and did not need to slam on my brakes and i arrived at the office, sane and remarkably calm. all of that is not the usual results of that drive and i am grateful that i was able to experience, something completely different. so it goes…
as i get ready to get back to work, i feel all sorts of stuff, but mostly a whole shit ton of gratitude for not falling into a vengeful, rage filled driver this morning. i have used driving as an indicator of my spiritual fitness throughout my recovery. just for today, perhaps i can carry that feeling with me, into my work routine and move forward with my projects. life in my skin, today, is not too shabby and i will relish that feeling for as long as possible.
∞ DT ∞