๐ช without a doubt, ๐จ
Posted: Sat, Jul 11, 2026 09:13:31 AM
**i am my own worst enemy!** as my time in recovery increases, this becomes less true every day. yes that is the good news. the not so good news? the fact that i still degrade., denigrate and disrespect myself at least once on a daily basis. every little thing i do less than perfectly becomes fodder for the my abuse mill. even when i catch myself and make a conscious effort to stop, i am still already three-quarters of the way down the path to that particular form of perdition. as bad as that may sound, there is a way out and my sponsor id giving me direction through the application of this round of twelve steps to see the light at the end of this dank and dark tunnel.
this morning, as i sat, i did not hear a whole lot and nothing bubbled up from the depths. what i felt, however, was a bit of relief that i am on path that will lead me to brave new worlds of behaving, at least internally. i have to say that it has sucked for a long time that i treat others, even those i have little respect for, better than i treat myself. it is as if i believe that deep down i am too bad or too broken to be treated well. i know where that came from and i know that even though i have released most of it, the echoes of decades of telling myself how broken i am, still resonates within me. no matter how many times i explode that lie, the shrapnel still sticks on the edges, starting that infection all over again.
today, ion the here and now, i can serve myself as well as i serve others. there may be customers who i am cool towards and they sense it. they, however, have yet to get up the nerve to ask why. i am glad for that fact, as i might just tell them what i truly think of them and with little to no filters or restraint. in the mean time, however, i can remember that my job, when i am at the cigar store, is to make all of my customers feel welcome, no matter how many times they have lied to me or spouted off some racist bullshit. i often wonder how folks like that can call themselves Christian in any sense of that word, and then i let it go, as it is not my stuff. my stuff is to live my spiritual principles and carry them into all of my daily activities, just for today.
this morning, as i sat, i did not hear a whole lot and nothing bubbled up from the depths. what i felt, however, was a bit of relief that i am on path that will lead me to brave new worlds of behaving, at least internally. i have to say that it has sucked for a long time that i treat others, even those i have little respect for, better than i treat myself. it is as if i believe that deep down i am too bad or too broken to be treated well. i know where that came from and i know that even though i have released most of it, the echoes of decades of telling myself how broken i am, still resonates within me. no matter how many times i explode that lie, the shrapnel still sticks on the edges, starting that infection all over again.
today, ion the here and now, i can serve myself as well as i serve others. there may be customers who i am cool towards and they sense it. they, however, have yet to get up the nerve to ask why. i am glad for that fact, as i might just tell them what i truly think of them and with little to no filters or restraint. in the mean time, however, i can remember that my job, when i am at the cigar store, is to make all of my customers feel welcome, no matter how many times they have lied to me or spouted off some racist bullshit. i often wonder how folks like that can call themselves Christian in any sense of that word, and then i let it go, as it is not my stuff. my stuff is to live my spiritual principles and carry them into all of my daily activities, just for today.
∞ DT ∞