๐ giving myself ๐
Posted: Fri, Jul 11, 2025 10:38:41 AM
permission to be in the world by showing some compassion for myself, was not exactly what popped off the stack this morning, as i sat and did my best to let go of getting ambushed by my spouse about something someone else did. my life over the past twelve hours has been an emotional roller-coaster and something i would choose not to repeat. it does drive home a point that entered my head while i was walking, specifically am i being served by staying in my relationship with my wife. that deep thought requires more than a moment to ponder and let percolate, but it has been coming up more and more. i will not list the litany of sins against me nor will i engage in any speculation about why i stay and what my payoff happens to be. what i will say, before i move into what i am feeling about having compassion for myself, is allowing things to go on as they have being compassionate to me?
when i was using, i did my test to fill the space i was in or shrink to insignificant size, as i was never sure where i belonged and if i did belong, what i was supposed to be doing. today, thanks to the prodding of my sponsor, i am getting a sense of perspective about where i may belong and what my relative size is to those around me. as a result, i am becoming more forgiving and letting go of what is not mine, much quicker. is that showing compassion for myself? perhaps, but it certainly is being kinder to me and allows me more bandwidth to take care of what i really think is important to me. i am also beginning to judge my behaviors, rather than judging myself based on those behaviors. i have to say after decades of being this and that and mostly the worst of the worst IMHO, that is certainly a step in the right direction and also might be seen as a symptom of compassion towards myself.
as i am running behind my self-imposed schedule, i do believe i will leave it at that and as i let go of the recent past and walk in confidence that i did nothing wrong, i can go get hammered again, in my skill building exercise. today i am going to switch it up a bit and do some back-end work. it is a great day to be clean and live in the here and now.
when i was using, i did my test to fill the space i was in or shrink to insignificant size, as i was never sure where i belonged and if i did belong, what i was supposed to be doing. today, thanks to the prodding of my sponsor, i am getting a sense of perspective about where i may belong and what my relative size is to those around me. as a result, i am becoming more forgiving and letting go of what is not mine, much quicker. is that showing compassion for myself? perhaps, but it certainly is being kinder to me and allows me more bandwidth to take care of what i really think is important to me. i am also beginning to judge my behaviors, rather than judging myself based on those behaviors. i have to say after decades of being this and that and mostly the worst of the worst IMHO, that is certainly a step in the right direction and also might be seen as a symptom of compassion towards myself.
as i am running behind my self-imposed schedule, i do believe i will leave it at that and as i let go of the recent past and walk in confidence that i did nothing wrong, i can go get hammered again, in my skill building exercise. today i am going to switch it up a bit and do some back-end work. it is a great day to be clean and live in the here and now.
∞ DT ∞