Some memes

to see where i need to change and where i need to stand firm in my beliefs. i start to see when my beliefs keep me safe, and when they drive me into the same patterns, over and over. so last night i reverted to one of my less than stellar behaviors when dealing with my spouse. she presented something to me about our bathroom project that i felt required some pushback to the contractors. instead of asking to consider the issue overnight, i wanted her to ask the questions that i had and talk about what they needed. what i really desired was not to have to deal with that before bed, so i acquiesced and shut down. that served neither of s well and this morning, i may not have liked how i behaved, i saw it for what it was, a passive move to preserve the peace between us, at my own expense. what could have ended up a night of circular thinking as i stewed in my own juices, did not. i let it go within fiften minutes of laying my head down on the pillow and had a decent nights's rest. the moral of that story is i did the right thing for the wrong reasons, but gave up a small bit of myself in the process. that is hardly a win-win situation and one that does not bear to be repeated.
this morning as i was choosing my source material, the last thing i truly wanted to write about was relationships, intimacy and how someone with time sees them in the here and now. i have learned recently that resisting what i choose in a random manner in this exercise, usually points to something so similar, i might as well surrender to my first choice. i have written about my distrust of intimacy throughout my recovery journey. i have also written about my inability to form any sort of equal partnerships in my relationships. as i became aware of who i was and my relationship with myself became more defined and less toxic. i had to examine my belief system to see what still served me. time and again, i saw that withholding myself and treating each relationship as a zero sum game, was no longer what i desired. by remaining distant, cratering to the belief that distance protected me, i was missing out on what could be. honestly, i was very clumsy at first, as i learned what was needed to be revealed. sometimes, i shared far too much and at other times not enough. the consequences of each of those choices became evident and i learned how to be intimate without forcing the fact.
as my experience from last night shows, i am still quite capable of lapsing into places where control is mistaken for surrender. where intimacy is sacrificed for peace. where i can give myself away to force a solution that is not close to what i desired. the only good takeaway i have for that, is that i did not lose sleep going over and over again what i did and beating myself up for doing it. i accepted and moved on, which is part of the growth i am beginning to see in this step cycle. i may not be happy with how last night ended but i am content that it ended better than i might have ended if i had reacted worse. just for today, i can see where i might be going and the direction i am starting to see. my belief that intimacy causes pain is not invalid, but the risk of pain is worth the closeness i get as a result of letting others see me as i am.

∞ DT ∞