๐ it took me ๐
Posted: Fri, Aug 7, 2026 10:52:29 AM
a very long time to see and understand that unconditional love is not the same as unconditional acceptance. i know this is treading on the border of some Christian sects when they say to love the sinner and not the sin, and i do not disagree, it is getting very close. i will not judge the motives of those who use that particular phrase, that is beyond my ken and actually none of my bidness. what i will say is that, i do love all of my peers, even those who yo-yo back and forth between relapse and abstinence without conditions. what my opening statement says to me, is that i do NOT have to accept unacceptable behavior. more to the point, it is up to me to address, dangerous, predatory or violent behavior directly with my peer, in a clear, calm and private manner. i may find it hard to tolerate obnoxious behavior, but that does not rise to the level of unacceptability, no matter how much it may irk me. when i address unacceptable behavior, i have to be very clear that i am not falling into the den of iniquity created by my biases and prejudices. i have to look at my motives and examine my feelings. i have to make sure that what i am seeing is behavior and not my personal annoyance.
living by spiritual principles takes work and responsibility is one of those i avoided for the longest time. even today, with a minute clean, here are situations where i shy away from taking any sort of responsibility. it once was not difficult for me to tell someone they were fucking up. like shifting responsibility, criticizing behavior in harsh and unsavory terms was part of the tools i carried into my daily battle with reality and the world around me. even in recovery i was well-known for giving unsolicited advice in less than calm and non-confrontational terms. learning how to be responsible for delivering a message to maintain an atmosphere of recovery in the meetings, was a long, error-ridden and painful process and in the end, i learned that i give that sort of feedback as a last resort and only when the behavior actually is disruptive to the well-being of the group. i have overstepped that boundary a few times once i set it, however, those instances become less and less, as i grow in my recovery. personal annoyance does not equate to safety for the members of the group, no matter what, dammit all! 😡
as i relax into my morning after some very disturbing news about the level of my PSA that may indicate that active surveillance of my prostate cancer is about to end, i can let go of the “what-ifs” and allow myself the freedom to just not know, project of create a world of options that have yet to be revealed. 11.5 is above the magic number of 10 and what happens next will be a decision i reach with my Urologist next week when i see him. is that going to be easy? HELL NO! i know that over he next six days i will dwell in the house of pain and more than likely ask Dr GOOGLE what may happen next. of course, each answer will drive me down into a spiral of circular thinking and may actually trip the desire to use, unless of course, i take the responsibility of what letting go truly means to me. right here and right now? it means that i take my mind off of the possibilities and dwell in the comfort of “i do not know what happens next.” i do not diverts myself with buying a bright and shiny thing, using my uncertainty to castigate my friends and peers or allow that lack of knowledge to upset my balance. i no longer have a “GOD-shaped” hole that requires filling and just for today, i will leave it at that.
living by spiritual principles takes work and responsibility is one of those i avoided for the longest time. even today, with a minute clean, here are situations where i shy away from taking any sort of responsibility. it once was not difficult for me to tell someone they were fucking up. like shifting responsibility, criticizing behavior in harsh and unsavory terms was part of the tools i carried into my daily battle with reality and the world around me. even in recovery i was well-known for giving unsolicited advice in less than calm and non-confrontational terms. learning how to be responsible for delivering a message to maintain an atmosphere of recovery in the meetings, was a long, error-ridden and painful process and in the end, i learned that i give that sort of feedback as a last resort and only when the behavior actually is disruptive to the well-being of the group. i have overstepped that boundary a few times once i set it, however, those instances become less and less, as i grow in my recovery. personal annoyance does not equate to safety for the members of the group, no matter what, dammit all! 😡
as i relax into my morning after some very disturbing news about the level of my PSA that may indicate that active surveillance of my prostate cancer is about to end, i can let go of the “what-ifs” and allow myself the freedom to just not know, project of create a world of options that have yet to be revealed. 11.5 is above the magic number of 10 and what happens next will be a decision i reach with my Urologist next week when i see him. is that going to be easy? HELL NO! i know that over he next six days i will dwell in the house of pain and more than likely ask Dr GOOGLE what may happen next. of course, each answer will drive me down into a spiral of circular thinking and may actually trip the desire to use, unless of course, i take the responsibility of what letting go truly means to me. right here and right now? it means that i take my mind off of the possibilities and dwell in the comfort of “i do not know what happens next.” i do not diverts myself with buying a bright and shiny thing, using my uncertainty to castigate my friends and peers or allow that lack of knowledge to upset my balance. i no longer have a “GOD-shaped” hole that requires filling and just for today, i will leave it at that.
∞ DT ∞