Some memes

living clean, and the passage of time has brought the gift of some maturity to me, even if there are times i get all pissed off by being disrespected. to frame that in a better perspective, when i perceive that i might have been disrespected. my anger at my teammate the other night, certainly was justified, HOWEVER, when i flew off the handle and loudly and aggressively said to never again put me in that position, i was a more than a bit reactive. i know he does not get it and probably never will, he is who he is and that person does not seem to get that there are folks around him that pay the consequences for his poor decisions. i was just that one Monday night. in that moment my discernment flew out the metaphorical window and i could not engage him properly to explain what he had done and what the consequences were for me. that is a lost opportunity and one i regret. i have, however moved on and forgive him for being so obtuse to those around him. i bring it up his morning because that event leads into my topic this morning: discernment and autonomy.
my source material was all about the FOURTH TRADITION, which i get, however, when i read it and listened to the void, what i heard was more about my discernment and autonomy on a very deep and personal level. one of the my least desirable character traits is that i can be and am very judgemental of myself, the world around me and those who interact with as i walk through each day. there is a very fine line between judgemental and discernment and truth be told, i cross it on a very regular basis. i am getting a clue or two as to the possible cause, how i judge myself and how well i meet the expectations i place on myself. unfortunately, as my step work is uncovering, is that no matter how much i love and accept myself, i still do not find myself worthy of being human and making wholly human mistakes and missteps. 😱
what i saw in my teammate's behavior the other night, is a reflection of who i once was and can be again. i am no longer oblivious to those around me and more often than not, my discernment will come from a pause before do or say something that will require me admitting i was wrong. what i said the other night was the correct thing to say, how i said it and the terms i used is where the problem lies. do i need to go back and clean that up? i really do not think so and my justification is that he will not “get” it as i have been down that path before. the correction here, is to accept who he is and respond rather than react to his less than stellar behaviors only when i am affected.
the second part of my ChatGPT learning project is nearly complete. the last year of raw data is being processed right now. i may not like what i see on the other side but i am sort of excited to see what a machine thinks of human writings that span nearly twenty-two years. i am also tired of seeing who i am not, rather than living in the here and now and celebrating and commenting on who i am. that revelation came to me yesterday as i was driving to the bank. yes this time of year as i approach my clean date, remembering who i once was when i got clean, is not an exercise that is wrong. no the problem is, i am not that person any more and i dwell in that house of pain, far too much. my fear about changing my focus is that my rose-colored glasses will come out and i will live in denial of my less than stellar behaviors, thoughts and judgements. i can address that FEAR in real time, by remembering that balance in how i see myself is as important as the balance i seek in my everyday living.

∞ DT ∞