Some memes

i have what i need, i have enough to share. this has not always been the case, especially when it came to love. more on that later, what i need to start with, before i do that deep dive is this notion of optimism, that my source reading was all about. i am not an optimist, in fact the way i have always lived is expect the worse and if it turns out good, i am never disappointed. to me, being optimistic seems like a rigged game, as if things turn out bad, i am hurt and disappointed. living life in that attitude kept me safe, but really did not allow me to grow or have a moment of joy or happiness. when one is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop…
i may not be a Susie Sunshine, yippy-skippy optimist and yes i am still more than a bit cynical. i have learned to have a bit of HOPE and a whole lot of FAITH in the program of recovery that is my life. i am no longer in a constant state of waiting to see what bad thing is going to happen next and for the most part live my life in the here and now. there are all sorts of things i have an outlook that might be called optimistic:

• that i will decide to stay clean another day, tomorrow
• that i will get some sort of relief form my incessant perfectionism
• that i will find the ways and means to be kinder to myself, through this step process
• that i will get the opportunities to get everything i need, to stay clean today.

that list does not mean i march down the sunny side of the street, but it also demonstrates that i no longer live on the dark side.
back to what came up from the depths. i certainly used to believe i only had so much capacity to be loved and to love. in order to love someone new, i thought i would have to stop loving someone else. my “love” only could hold so much. as ridiculous as that sounds to me today, i was quite certain that was my sad truth. my sponsor at the time just shook his head and told me to keep coming back. here i thought i had stumbled onto some great spiritual awakening that defined me and he just dismissed with a shrug. for today's perspective, i see why he reacted that way, as i have since learned that my capacity to love and be loved has no bounds. understanding that, took a very long minute. living in it, brings joy and yes happiness into my life. for me, abandoning the “truth” seems to be an ongoing theme and one that is creating all sorts of different and interesting perspectives. life is ironic in that way and in this here and now, i will remain grateful that i do not have to limit myself in any way. all i have to do is live, love and see what comes down the pike.

∞ DT ∞