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that has provided me a new manner of living, my ideas of fun have changed radically.
okay this is one of those readings that has the tendency to take me away from the central premise, by pointing out how different me ideas of fun were when i compare them to the examples that are given. so of course the piece of me i call my disease says "see, you really do not belong here at all! after all gun play was never part of your reality. therefore you do not really belong to this fellowship!"
and of course that part of me is constantly trying to find the means to separate me from my peers and the fellowship that allows me to have such a freedom of choice. the irony of this whole little bit of self-talk is that it is the very same fellowship and those very same members, who have given me the freedom to have fun today, and who have given me the tools i need to break the chains of active addiction.
so what is this addict going to do? well for one see that little lie for what it is, just one more lie in the chain of lies that i use against myself to disqualify myself from recovery. after all, the real truth was that i did not have a whole lot of fun in the final days of my disease. my life was controlled by the justice system, i was miserable and doing my best to hide my misery from the world around me. and even before those final stages, i was sullen and withdrawn most of the time. i filtered the events of life through a jaundiced, cynical eye and lived in a place that really was not that much fun. it is true that using worked right up to the last time i got high. it is also true that i did participate in some activities that were incredible and took me places of isolated and untrammeled beauty. most of my fun times ended-up in fist fights, or watching fist fights and any joy or fun i had was always subdued by my constant obsession with getting my next fix, even in the middle of the wilderness. today my definition of fun is changing and i never know what fun will be in the next few minutes,. HOWEVER i do know that any fun i have today will not involve the use of drugs and will probably not end in a fist fight or with gunshots. i also know that if i do the next right thing, i will get to make that choice again tomorrow. life is far too short to worry about if i am having fun yet or not.

∞ DT ∞