Blog entry for:

okay, watching the sun set behind frolicking dolphins is not a visual that i GET to see and as hokey as it sounds, this year i understand what they were trying to say, way back when, instead of dismissing the entire notion out of hand. what i heard as i sat this morning, was that no matter what i used to think was fun, i am no longer that person and perspective has been altered by the recovery process. i may not see frolicking dolphins, but gun battles over one person dissing another, are also not part of my life experience, and yet over the course of the years, i focused on the dolphins and not the guns.
what i heard when i sat this morning and mind emptied of the stuff that was on the top of my list, is that i have changed. i no longer l need not get high just to get through my day. the notion that using enhanced my “fun” was part of the trap of denial i had constructed and willingly walked into, each and every day. as i sit here with a few days of recovery behind my, i wonder what white-water rafting and wilderness raft trips would have been like, had i been clean and present for them. i wonder if my desire to climb rocks would have gone past the scrambling phase, if i had the willingness to invest my resources in that activity. i wonder how much more i would remember of the places i have been, the friends i have had and the experiences that i was part of, all while using. the fact is, i could get all morose over something that never happened or choose to take that as a lesson, that for me, using wasted much of my life, obscuring it in a chemical haze and robbed me of a true and genuine experience.
what i can do, especially as i feel regret and remorse is remember that those days are gone. i can be present for what is happening now, instead of tuning out for whatever reason. i can be more, see more and experience more, now that i am learning how to be present. the upshot of all of that is i GET to have fun, doing the stuff i once thought was square and uncool, and actually enjoying a real experience. i have always wanted to go parasailing, maybe when i am in Mazatlan, i will do just that. the last time i was in Mazatlan, it was all about getting away from my duties and getting totally fVcked up beyond all recognition. in four weeks i will be going back and quite honestly i am not really sure if what i remember has any bearing on what really happened the last time i was there. who knows what sort of fun i will uncover when i visit there. heck, i may even make my first Mexican meeting, even though i do not speak any Spanish. who knows, just for today i can be someone other than a drug induced shell of a person and be present for whatever comes my way, especially a little bit of fun.

∞ DT ∞