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the last thing i expected when i got clean was to have to learn to love myself. i was self-centered and thought of no one but myself so loving myself was just something thought was part of who i was. after i got clean and after i finally accepted myself as in need of something different, as in a program of recovery, i saw that i did not love, respect or esteem myself, in any way shape or form. in fact, as time went on and i lived in denial of my “true” opinion of myself, based on an ancient lie, i learned to love myself conditionally, as long as i did not do a deep dive. when i finally revealed and exploded that old and pernicious lie, the path was finally cleared for me to find the ways and means to love, accept and esteem myself and nothing has been the same, ever since.
this morning as i sat, what i heard was a bit of remorse for what i deprived myself of, for so long in my recovery, the opportunity to be myself and not worry about what others thought i “needed” to be. my sponse had been guiding me towards that place for quite some time, even though he probably did not know what was really going on inside of me. i may have hinted and intimated, but i lacked the ability to form a thought about it, much less say it out loud to someone. walking through the FEAR of revealing what was my deepest and darkest secret, on that i had resolved to take to the grave with me decades ago, left me free to see myself for who i always was, and who i am becoming.
today, thanks to the loving guidance of my sponsor, i can say i love myself unconditionally and when the remorse bubbles up from the depths, i know that i was not ready to reveal to myself, what i truly was and it took a very long minute to be prepared for the fallout. just for today, i know who i am, have some clues of who i may becoming to be and certainly know who i was. that frightened, humiliated and damaged little boy, hiding his flaws and failings from the world has found a new place to dwell and it is not how i see myself today.

∞ DT ∞