Blog entry for:

it is usually because i went to bed the night before, not because i left a club at six in the morning. ironically, four weeks from today, i may actually be walking along a beach, watching dolphins frolics in the setting sun.
moving along, actually i see the sun rise most days, as i have discovered when i got clean, that i am a “morning person.” i am actually more productive and sharper in the early AM, than i am in the afternoon and as a result, i front-end my work day. what apparently happened, is that when i partied all night, i ended-up entering my circadian rhythm cycle, appearing to be a night person, because all of a sudden i was full of energy and ready to go, in the early morning. once more, not something that is pertinent to the discussion this morning.
what is pertinent, is that i am learning how to have fun. i could say that i had no fun in active addiction, as i hear many of my peers do. i get why i would want to demonize those years, but today i have enough time clean to put all of them is a little better perspective. there were many fun times in active addiction, and some of the activities i engaged in, would have been just as much fun, perhaps more, if i did not have a chemical cocktail on board for them. there were also the times, when i locked in a bathroom, trying desperately to hit my target, so i could go out and have some “fun.” that is just how it is. in recovery , i have had some very fun times, and i have also been left wondering more than once, if this monotonous, routine and boring life, was the best i was going to get. as much as i seemed to thrive in chaos and resist routine, in reality, my routine as an addict who is in recovery, is not all that bad. sure i go to work every weekday, work for eight hours and come home. in retrospect, that was really what i wanted when i was using. more importantly what i really wanted was to be free from the driving force in my life, the need to get high. even when i was rafting in CLASS IV and V rapids, adrenaline was not enough, i still needed a little bit more and those i rafted with, were in the same boat! when i head down to Mexico next month, i will be content, to lay by the pool or on the beach, read a book or two and relax, knowing full well that my paycheck will be in the bank when i get home. i will be able to watch for those frolicking dolphins, as well as any other wildlife that passes my way, because the “wild life” of the night before will not get in my way.
yes, i am having fun and will continue to do so, as long as i take care of the gift that keeps on giving, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION.

∞ DT ∞