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what i then called fun, i now call insanity. today, my notion of fun has changed. okay, i must admit this is one of those reading that strikes me as corny, and has struck me that way for quite some time. in fact most of the time i cannot get past how corny this particular passage is, and get into what the reading says to me, no matter how hard i try. this morning, however, something different happened, and what i heard was that what i considered normal and fun back in the days of my active addiction was actually quite deadly and might be considered yet another piece of evidence of how insane i was when i walked into the rooms.
the reading contrasts some extreme behaviors, and that is where i have always diverged into the ‘this does not apply to me’ line of thought.
well, it is not the examples of then and now, that are really important, it is what they represent for me. i did not end up in places where there were many gun battles, but i did end up on a rubber raft, going down white water rapids that could quite probably kill me if i made a single mistake, f*cked up beyond all recognition, and thought nothing about how unfit i was to be guiding a boat, and the danger i was putting those who happened to be in that boat with me in.
i would like to pick that activity back up again, no not the using part, but the rafting part. however, i have yet to find anyone in recovery, who happens to participate in that activity and has the equipment needed to do it. that is one regret i do have, i had to leave something i loved to do behind when i came into recovery, because the people who i did it used. so it goes, perhaps i would find that being in that state of mind was the only way i could participate in rafting, and that with a bit of clean time, i would not enjoy that activity. it is what it is.
so yes, my ideas of fun have changed, and yes i am grateful for that, even if i have a regret or two. in reality the only thing stopping me from becoming a rafter again, is myself and who knows, perhaps the path towards that particular activity will be opened to me in the future. i can regret the decisions i made to save my life in early recovery, or i can accept them and move forward. today i choose the sanity of acceptance, and time to move into this day.

∞ DT ∞