Blog entry for:

i now call insanity. here i go again, my thoughts about this reading would be incomplete, without a nod the the frolicking dolphins, so frolic away and perhaps one day i will actually be walking along a beach when this reading comes around, and to will be able to say how ironic life seems from time to time. today, i will just move on and be grateful that what i once believed was the life, was mere existence. what i once believed were feelings were echos that needed to be suppressed. what i once thought was the meaning of life, the universe and everything, was mental masturbation. and what i once believed about myself, was a lie i used to keep myself from becoming something more.
insanity, while not as prevalent in my life as it was when i walked into the rooms, still exists. trying to treat someone as a peer, who believes i am some sort of hack, feels insane, but when i get down to it, it is the next right thing to do. the level of control that they are trying to exert, drives me to rebel. the manner in which they treat me, oops, better put, i perceive that they are treating me, drives the insane notion that i need to push back and push back very firmly and with extreme prejudice. the way i continue to give up my serenity and allow them to “make me feel,” is a symptom of my current insanity and when i feel insane, i often have no clue about how insane i really am. fun, success, feelings and growth in recovery, look so much differently today, that it is quite a feat for me to be anything more than just another addict. when the insanity takes over and starts to rule me, i am just as sick as i once was, the only difference is the apparent level of my symptoms. my thoughts of using just once, are driven by the feelings i do not want to feel, even though they are not the boss of me, they seem to believe they are, and i rebel, instead of brushing it off and moving along. today i will complete the task at hand and finish what i started. today i will be a better person because i can do so and yes even though i am stuck working all day, i might be able to have a bit of fun as well, life is not all about how many bucks i can put into my back account. i will do the best with what i have and leave the rest up to the powers that be, including the POWER that fuels my recovery. life is more than a web page and the time to allow myself the freedom to express myself has come. it is a great day to be clean and a few cigars from now, i will be at a meeting and with the people who love and understand that addiction, although it is part of my life, need no longer rule me and keep me from being more than i ever was.

∞ DT ∞