Blog entry for:

the sun rise is now a huge part of my life, as i am generally up before dawn on most days this time of year. getting clean has led to the revelation that i am a lark and not an owl and that diurnal cycle and circadian rhythms are driven towards early morning. my significant other wonders how i do it, pop up out of bed and get rolling on my day and i am at a loss to explain what just comes naturally to me. it just is what it is and my only complaint is that when i need or want to sleep in, i lack the ability to gracefully and effortlessly do just that. when i was using, that was the easy part, as i was still dealing with the effects of what i took a few hours before. part of my holy trinity encouraged me to pass out, seemingly dead to the world, until i processed my belly full of whatever it was i was drinking the evening before. the consequences of using that substance were far from pleasant and i am grateful that i no longer have the desire to repeat that behavior, as it is no longer part of what i consider fun.
here of course could be the litany of what i no longer consider fun, followed quickly by an inventory of my current version of fun things to do. after all of that a statement of gratitude about how much better my life is, now that recovery has shown me a different manner to look at myself and the world around me. that being said, i can move on to something a bit deeper and certainly as much “fun” as blogging about fun.
my life these days has all sorts of trials and tribulations as i sometimes struggle to figure out where the real me fits into this world that surrounds me. most of the time i play that by ear and see where it leads me. in walking through my day, there are more than a few moments where i wonder did i just do that and was it the correct thing to do. i then spend all sorts of cycles spinning about what i did and how those around reacted to that action. my self-critiques paralyze me and keep me from moving into the next moment as i spin and spin and spin until i am worn out and still have yet to reach a conclusion. what my sponse has told me time and again, is that for the most part i can trust my intuition and that the next thought i have is more than likely not wrong. when i remember that, the spinning stops and everything comes out in the wash. i see that i may not have come off as i would have desired, but at least i was me, honest, sincere and the stumbling and bumbling person i just am. that, too, can be fun, as it does provide some material to amaze and amuse my friends and peers in recovery. 😆
the time has come to get moving into my day and that means a bit of exercise and letting go of work for the next hour or so. i am not sure whether or not i am choosing indoors or outdoors as my venue yet. i do know that i see this as something i “get” to do and not something i have to do. life in my skin today is far from heinous and if i allow myself to trust myself, i will cycle less and live a bit more, just for today.

∞ DT ∞