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of what was fun were rather bizarre, when i was in active addiction.
alright i will say it, get bit over with and move along -- what a cheesy farging reading -- frolicking dolphins and all!
with that out of the way, i can actually move on, and unlike times in the past, it is not about the fun i had to forgo, once i got clean, i have finally moved past those regrets. would i like to start white-water rafting again? the answer is that i am not sure. i never ever participated in that activity without being in various states of get high, so although my euphoric recall tends to push me to the affirmative, i am really not all that certain. perhaps this summer will be the time to give it whirl and see what i think.
in a few weeks i get to run away to a tropical vacation once again, this time land-based so my significant other can also enjoy the vacation. this is certainly part of my notion of fum and who knows, maybe we will see dolphins frolicking as the sun sets behind them, it certainly is a possibility. the fact ism, that part of my notions of what is fun, is tripping off to exotic and foreign places. i seem to prefer tropical, as i am not a HUGE fan of the cold and snow. one of the gifts of recovery is that today i have the resources to do so. even if that was not the case hanging in a club would not make my top 100 list of what i think might be fun to do today. hanging in a cigar club, cutting up with close friends and associates, however makes my top 10, and difference is that i am not in a place where using is the primary attraction. i know all about wanting to hang out in bars with members of the other 85% and i know the set of feelings that are the result of that action ➮ anger, jealousy and envy. those are feelings that i do not find pleasant, hence do not need to take voluntary action to trigger. the reason, why of course it is because they can just drink and keep their lives manageable where mine would start a spiral downhill from that very first feeling of release that alcohol would bring me.
enough of this silly stuff though, what is on mind this morning is three addicts. i have a notion to help one sponsee get rolling on his step work again and am just waiting to “feel” my way to seeing all the details. i will not spoil the surprise by revealing it, in its half-baked form, but i will say it is a lesson i have learned over the course of my last two step cycles and perhaps it is what is blocking me from seeing my path to the start of the next cycle. the second addict on my mind, is one who has been “around” the rooms for a bit of time and has just come back once again. just starting this journey again is tough enough. waking up to an unmanageable life makes it even worse and having all of that shite thrown up in one's face, just as one comes to, makes it even worse. i get why they may feel a quick dip into the pharmacopoeia would be a good idea, after all …
the final addict on my mind is a brand new guy, who states that they do not even know if they want to get clean. two days clean and an avalanches of life's terms descended upon them. they are just worried about eking out their existence, not even considering that maybe it was the drugs. i get that as well. that was me, once upon a time. it could not possibly be the drugs that was part of why my life sucked, they saved me from having to feel such a crappy life. once again i must say that it really was not the drugs, nor my uncontrollable use of drugs that made my life unmanageable. it was addiction and drugs saved my sanity, long before i found any notion of recovery. i know today where that use of any of that stuff i once desired, craved and joinesed over would take me, and it certainly would not be a tropical vacation in March. 😄
it is a good day to be on this side of the dirt and even a better day to have a bit of lighthearted fun. life is far too short fpor me to waste it by not paying attention to what is going on around me.

∞ DT ∞