Blog entry for:

once a year, at least in this space, so i have acknowledged that fact and time to move on. this morning, i am once again wimping out on a frigid dawn workout, as i do not see how freezing my a$$ off will be any **fun.** the nice part of working from home, is that i can alter my schedule to fit my comfort level. all of that aside, the main point of the reading, at least as far as i am concerned, is that using is no longer a requirement for having fun and enjoying life, at least for me. i have to admit, life in plague times has been tough for me, as my social life and contact with my friends and peers has been greatly limited. finding the ways and means to be a part of something more and being able to provide a level of care for my aging parents, has presented me with challenges that affect my balance and i am still working on ways to be a part of life, my local fellowship and not carry COVID into places where it would not be welcomed.
what i heard this morning, took a different direction. i am finally starting to understand that my Mom is scared and her FEAR is coming out very sideways. no matter how i see her actions, the fact is, she is not having any fun at all and is wondering how she will be able to stretch their limited resources to care for my Dad as he continues his decline. i feel a similar FEAR, but it pertains to the both of them and it morphs into anger. i am angry that my parents are fading into old age and poor health. i am angry that it falls to me and my siblings to support them. i am angry that “all of a sudden” my “fun” may be curtailed to serve their needs. what it comes down to, is that i am being self-centered and selfish while trying to appear loving, caring and kind. the cognitive dissonance i feel has come to a head the past few days, and i facing it head-on is not something i am well-versed in doing. facts are facts and although my lifestyle may need to be altered to accommodate the changes in their livers, it does not mean the end to having any fun. no, it just means that change is on the horizon and i will be able to care for them, as well as take care of myself.
there may be no walks along the beach to witness frolicking dolphins for the next few months, but hikes in the hills and trips to the “top of Colorado” will certainly be part of my plans as the season arrives, it will just take an adjustment or three to make it so. i may not know what tomorrow will bring, but i do know that if i allow myself to be open to change, anything is possible, just for today.

∞ DT ∞