Blog entry for:

when that time comes, i take a deep breath, say a prayer, and apply honesty, openness, responsibility, forgiveness, and trust, and all the rest. i did not get clean to keep running from life -- and in recovery, i do not have to run anymore.
and i for one seem to thrive on conflict some days in particular. i am beginning to understand that most of the conflict i cause comes from being less than spiritual. today, i am okay with that little fact of life. i am finally coming to realize that each day clean, brings me a little bit closer to the ideal of living a life without conflict. that does not mean i need to roll over and accept the opinions of others who happen to disagree with, nor does that mean that i need to bully them into seeing my point of view. both of those behaviors are equally wrong in my opinion. oops there i go again, another opinion has popped out, and boom there is a label. that is more than alright, sometimes i need to be certain about what is correct behavior for me, and what is not. the days of me being some sort of sociopath are past, the difference these days is at least i am avoiding the good and bad labels. correct and incorrect imply a whole different set of values. in my case, incorrect behavior can be fixed, if i allow the program to work for me and i listen for the will of that POWER that keeps me clean and provides for all my needs. if i fall back into the good and bad argument, then i see myself as unrepairable, black and white and without redemption. i have beat myself up for long enough about how i handle conflict, so changing the way i view myself in these situations is really a GOOD thing.
so exactly what does all this talk about labels and semantics have to do with handling conflict in my new manner of living? i am not quite sure, perhaps it has to do with th3e sixth step assignment that i am having a bit of difficulty completing. my assignment involves looking at myself, and my defects in a new manner, one that is not so foreign to me, but one in which i am quite unfamiliar with. perhaps, it has to do with the changes going on inside of me as i complete my first decade of recovery. or perhaps it is just what came out when i started down the path of thinking about conflict and the manner in which i handle it. all of that does not matter, today i can celebrate my independence from the ravages of active addiction as well as the independence of my country from colonial tyranny. i am free from the tyranny of active addiction, i am learning how to deal with conflict in a haelthier manner and most of all i am becoming more than i ever was. and all of that is worth celedbrating this fine fourth of july!

∞ DT ∞