Blog entry for:

what a great day to have a bit of independence from the commute to Denver, to mix a metaphor. it would also be a great day to declare my desire to have a life free from conflict. as impossible as that may seem, there have been times in my life and especially in recovery, where i did my best to do just that.
generally, i am not the type of person that shies away from conflict, in fact, back in the day, i thrived on conflict, as it was one of the ways i gained power in my relationships and maintained that illusion of control. conflict was the means and quite often the end that i wanted to achieve. it was emotional sleight of hand. i believed if i kept everyone off balance by stirring the pot, they would not notice how withdrawn and empty i had become. honestly it worked so well, that it became my main mode of operation in just about every set of personal relationships i had. cords my path or thwart me in any way, and you got a sh!tstorm down upon your head, and of course, i could rationalize it by saying in this dog eat dog world, it is always the fittest members that will survive, and by all that i was, i was going to be the fittest, even as i spun down into end-stage addiction.there were times, when i avoided conflict, in active addiction, but in those times, i had already seen that a different tack was needed if i was going to get what i wanted, so pretending to roll-over and comply, allowed me to achieve my immediate goal and kept my normal inclination in check, until the situation had changed.
during my first set of steps, in what feels like a time long, long ago and a galaxy far, far away, i uncovered this paradigm and because the fellowship i was in, did things the way they did, i believed it was my task to just stop behaving in this manner. i believed that GOD, HP or WHATEVER, wanted me to avoid conflict, by becoming passive and pliable to the wishes of all of those around me. i understood this behavior, and i certainly did my best to swallow my feelings and become a doormat for all of those who were in my life. i got popular with some, but mostly i got sicker and more and more pissed off. each time i acquiesced when i knew it was wrong, i swallowed a bit more anger, and as that anger inside morphed to rage, i became a bit more volatile and less happy as the days went by. in fact,, more and more i was looking to disqualify myself from recovery, because it was making me feel worse and worse. this was not fault of my sponsor, nor of that program, it was because i DID not ask the question i needed to ask and believed i could read between the lines, instead of seeking guidance of those who had walked this path before me. just as i am not some sort of fVcking onion, i am also not powerless over substances and i NEED a program that treats all of me, not just one of the myriad of symptoms that i manifest. i was addicted to the chaos i created when i was the conflict creation king, and it was in my last set of steps that i finally uncovered that i swung like some sort of crazed pendulum, from aggression to passivity and very rarely stopped anywhere in between. chaos, conflict and aggression have been my friends, throughout my life and as i write this current FOURTH STEP i am coming to grasp, that i only thought they were my friends, in reality they are in the set of tools i use to keep myself apart from all the rest of humanity and keep myself safe from the risks of intimacy.
NO HOPE?
actually there is!
seeing this, understanding this and living an active program, allows me the chance to become a better person, who allows conflict to be a part of reality and allows the process of the steps to change me into a person, who handles conflict in a healthy manner, one day at a time. that process is on-going and i am the result of that process. far from perfect, but at least awake enough today to have the desire to be something more.
with that i do believe i will go enjoy my holiday and get bin an extra training session today, for that is also part of becoming a healthier individual. and conflict? well i will see what the day brings and IF that happens, perhaps i will be able to handle it in a constructive and healthy manner, after all, i do have a program that i am living, that provides me the opportunities to do just that.

∞ DT ∞