Blog entry for:

to guide me through any situation and certainly a necessary part of how i live today. what is it that is necessary and sufficient? why the 12 step program that has given two decades without the use of drugs and so much more. this morning, as i rushed to get everything done, so i could get to my home group meeting, i stumbled across an inconvenient truth, i am not really on STEP FOUR, as i lack the FAITH to open the box that i have found and see what is in it. that box is fifty years old, and once i sealed it up, a long, long time ago, i meant it to stay sealed forever. i have had clues as to what may be inside, and those clues have led to a state of FEAR and DISCONTENT. the topic picked by the speaker this morning, was exactly what i needed to hear, even though i did not think i wanted to hear what he had to say, about STEP THREE. i now know where i am sitting and what i think i need to do, to move on.
ironically, these days, there is not a whole lot of conflict in my life. no, i have not become some sort of saint or transcendental yogi master, what i have become, is more sure about who i am, what is acceptable to me and how to tolerate the rest of the stuff. living a program of recovery, has certainly transformed me in many ways, chief among those is having to be right, all the time, and battering anyone who opposed me into submission and an admission of how “correct” i happen to be. that sort of fight, still happen internally and in the long run, the factions never come to a cease-fire.
i want to be in recovery and do what i need to do to foster that process. i do NOT want to be in recovery and allow my “true” self to take over and become the arrogant, conceited person i once felt comfortable being. that little skirmish does not happen every day and is not settled before my feet hit the floor in the morning, but rages on in various forms, some overt and some oh so subtle, that it does not feel like fighting. what it ends up coming down to, at least these days, is am i willing to give up what i have, in order to get something i “believe” i once had? when i look at it in that light, i have to truly wonder why i would want to return to a state of being where i boosted my self-esteem, by slaughtering the unarmed, in a battle of wits. where would i find comfort when my conscious kicked in? could i actually achieve anything in that state of spiritual collapse and morass? the outcome of that struggle this morning, is dang it all, the easier softer way is just to live this program, just for today. i get to allow myself the freedom to trod down paths that i once feared and be okay, if i decide to turn around before seeing what is at the end of those roads.

∞ DT ∞