Blog entry for:

that the program has given me: honesty, openness, responsibility, forgiveness, trust, and all the rest, is certainly a great way to live me life, even when there is little to no conflict in this moment. before i get stated down m rabbit-hole today, a quick shout-out to all who may be celebrating Independence Day, this Fourth of July. i could insert a political comment right here, but i will save that for Twitter (X) and stick to my thoughts, feelings and reactions to my source material and how it fits into the life of this addict who choose recovery, just for today.
today, i am strangely serene after the afternoon i had yesterday. my surgery got bumped, i backed into a truck and traffic wherever i was going was slow and sucked a big one. needless to say i was angry, nay pissed-off is a much better description and certainly felt the need to change how i was feeling. being well over twenty-one and living in Colorado, there were a couple of legal options that i could have chosen to exercise, to scratch that itch. i was honest with myself and decided that was not the choice i needed to exercise to feel better. i could have gone shopping, as something new, bright and shiny was my first “Drug Replacement Therapy.” i also decline to go down that path and decided that a nap, while not all that productive, would be the least destructive. i am not certain what happened, overnight, but my head finally caught up with my heart and this morning i am living the dream, so to speak.
in the past, i was the master of chaos, using conflict to further my aim of feeling “good enough” by being manipulative and better than those around me. instigating others to do my bidding in a war of words and intellectually bullying them into compliance, was my modus operendi. in those days, i took great pride in being above the fray i created and being there for both sides to offer comfort. it worked for me in active addiction and in my days of mere abstinence. i can say that today, right here and right now, i feel the guilt for having to live in that matter, the regret for those i victimized and the desire to live a better life, where i am okay with who i happen to be. chaos and conflict are not what i seek out anymore and as crazy as i felt yesterday, i have learned that feelings, even those that many might consider to be “bad,” do pass and my life will go on.
knowing the how and why of all of that, does not make a superior person or provide me with some sort of badge of honor. it simply is a side-effect of staying clean and figuring out how to integrate my life into a program of daily recovery. my lifetime achievement award is another day clean on this side of the lawn with the opportunity to grow into the sort of person i always wished i was, just for today.

∞ DT ∞