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i DO NOT have to run anymore. the reading spoke about dealing with conflict and of course i had to do some handstands to get there this morning, as what i heard was a little off the beaten track.
when i was younger i learned that all animals have this part in our brain where conflict resolution resides. the so-called reptile brain, where when we are confronted with conflict we are put into a binary decision mode, we either FIGHT or we FLEE, the so-called flight or fight dilemma. on top of this very basic and low level part of the primate brain is all this decision-making apparatus that is hard-wired by birth and by culture to make the decision-making process of fight or flight a bit more elegant, and of course not nearly as efficient as the instantaneous reaction the reptile brain wants to trigger.
as the book mentions more than once, active addiction reduced me to an animal level, and conflict became a way of life for me, just because i liked the way it made me feel -- angry and and full of rage when i lost, and pumped-up and superior when i won, and regardless of the outcome full of adrenaline, with all of its attended consequences. even the decision to cut and run, had its cascade of emotional and physical reactions.
where exactly am i going with all of this? well, when it came to time get clean, and more importantly when it came time for me to enter recovery i was told i needed to surrender to my addiction and allow a HIGHER POWER to provide me what i NEEDED to stay clean. living in a black and white, such as it was for me in early recovery, i took this to mean that i went through life doing everything in my power to avoid any semblance of conflict, which of course meant swallowing a whole lot of sh!t. after all, this was all about complete personality change and that meant not being who i was, or so i believed.
needless to say, when that dam broke, the effects were more than a little bit spectacular, and i am still making amends to this day for the results of what i thought i was supposed to be doing.
no being who i am does not mean that is shrink from conflict, nor does it mean i seek it out. i just live the life i have been given on a daily basis and allow myself to sort through what needs to be sorted through. it is true, i have a temper,and it is true that i can be abusive at times when my passion is stirred. it is also true, that i have a filter that allows me to pause before i go off and most importantly it is true that i no longer feel obligated to sell my ideas and values out, simply to soothe the bruised egos and ruffled feathers that others may get when i speak the truth as i see it. i am NOT a door mat, nor do i have to make you one, that world is not mine any longer. it could return, given the fact that the only thing that makes it a reality is my DESIRE to be a recovering person and DOING my best to live a program of recovery. what that means is that if i see you being a hypocrite or an a$$hole, i will tell you so, if i believe it is my place to do so, and especially when i am asked for my opinion. it also means that although just about everything is negotiable, i will not allow you to hurt me either. which means i DO and WILL stand-up for myself and not run from conflict. i have been taught to be secure in who i am and while the opinion of others is important, it NEED NOT be the final say in anything i do today and that my friends is a huge cognitive leap for this addict.
in the long and yes in the short run, conflict is part of living life on life's terms, and i will no longer accept being bullied by those who happen to think by some twist of fate that they are better than me.yes there are those who are smarter, richer and cleverer than me, that goes without saying, BUT they cannot hold that against me, UNLESS I ALLOW THEM the power to do so, and today i do not. i have finally decided that battle is one that i no longer need to fight, as my self-esteem and confidence grows.
all of that leads to much saner means of resolving conflict in my life and yes, sometimes it means walking away from conflict, NOT running. recovery, as i see it today, is the vehicle by which i become a better person and i am grateful for the chance to become the man i always wanted to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞