Blog entry for:

a part of reality. yes they certainly are, and i know i have have rehashed time and again how i handle conflicts today, and the whole sad story about where i came from and how fVcking spiritual i am about handling them now. the truth is, been there, done that and i no longer have the need to prove to anyone how far i have grown, most of all to myself.
today, i am pretty sure i am worth more than retelling that same old stories and polishing them up, so they are just a bit brighter, a bit shinier and more capable of blinding myself to the truth, whatever the fvck that may be.
okay, is that dark enough for you? it is for me, a bit of HOPE here, is that today, i do handle conflict better.
what has been on my mind the past few days, and has finally been resolved is sometimes no matter how strongly i feel, doing nothing may just be the best course of action. knowing that it is me who is butt hurt and no one else. knowing that i have only been referring to the object of that pain in a very oblique and obtuse manner, has really not been helping me move forward and allow whatever is going to happen, to happen. i am not talking about anyone but myself in this case. sometimes when a friend is hurting, all i need to do is remind them that i love them. sometimes when i have been a dickhead a$$hole i need to own that stuff and let the object of my self-centered behavior know that i did wrong and allow them the FREEDOM to respond. sometimes when i am hurt and seething with rage and resentment i NEED to sit quietly and picture letting go of the object of that rage, letting drop into the abyss of infinity, at least visually. i finally reached that place last night and visualized what i could not conceptualize and the pain, the anger, the rage and the resentment started to fade and i moved into a state of of forgiveness.
where does that leave me today? a bit wary and certainly will be much more circumspect about TRUST in this case. everyone does what they feel they NEED to do, even me. where i get mixed up and what causes the most internal conflict is this battle between NEEDS and WANTS, that goes on all the time. i more often than not, elevate a WANT to the level of a NEED. i become severely disappointed when that elevated WANT is not met and lash out at whatever i believe the cause of that failure to be. one of those Wants that i have elevated to a NEED is an expectation that is the mirror image of a man i used to sponsor, expecting everyone in the rooms to behave as i would. you know doing what they say they will, telling the truth regardless of the cost, owning that they have a spiritual void that cannot be filled with material things or status symbols, and on and on. amazingly, my own words are coming back to haunt me now, as what i expect and what i get, is almost never the same, especially when i am dealing with other human beings. watching the weight i have been carrying fall into the void last night, was cleansing and using that metaphor for today, i see the WANT of having everyone behave in a spiritual manner is just that a WANT and far from a NEED.
today i am becoming genuine and certainly more whole as a result of a bit more self-awareness. it certainly is an Independence day for me, as well as the nation i call my home. just for today i will let go of those i am to blind to release and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞