Blog entry for:

have to run anymore, from conflict, from my feelings or from how i perceive others view me. first off, i did not get the **freebie** i was expecting yesterday, i quickly went under anesthesia and did not get to enjoy the euphoria of being **high** for even ten seconds. i was brimming with anticipation as i **tasted** the medicine and i tried to resist going under, all to no avail. i have to say that as much regret as i thought i might have had, that when i look at it from this side of the equation, i am glad that i did not have an experience to enjoy for the ages. it might be disturbing to some of my peers, for me to be speaking honestly and openly about what my expectations were and how i felt “ripped-off,” when they were not met. the fact of thew matter, this whole episode is more than enough evidence, that i am still as addict. to sweep this experience under the rug of it tarnishing my shiny suit of recovery armor, would do more harm to myself and to my peers, than openly acknowledging my feelings and thoughts. if one finds such a frank and open discussion disturbing, one will need to consult with someone <hint, hint: their sponsor> to talk through why the idea that someone with clean time may want to “feel the high, one more time.” once upon a time, i would have denied the feeling and pretended that i had no apprehension, expectations or fantasies to keep my reputation unblemished. thanks to a program of active recovery i can own my less that stellar traits and move along. speaking of that:

Bernie C.
FIVE years clean.
CONGRATS my friend and keep coming back.

in the aftermath of yesterday's procedure, i am humbled by what i felt and how i reacted. it certainly was a very good reminder of who and what i am. to say i am not anxious about the final results would be once again “running away” from life on life's terms. i want to know now DAMMIT and waiting for five to seven days will certainly fill me with a bit of dread and doom. this too, is a “normal” human reaction. i can accept that and move through the next week striving to let go of that outcome and be okay with not knowing.
here is where i might say, “i wish…” the problem is, i do not know what it is i am wishing for. a clean bill of health, for certain, but there is certainly a part of me that is looking for the excuse to say that if i am sick, i GET to do this or that. what i am going to do, is go for a brisk walk, spend some time chilling at home and hit another meeting tonight. the reality of the situation is, nothing has changed since the day before yesterday. i still feel as if i am in “good health” i am still waiting to hear from the broker and the recruiter, that i have attempted to put in the place of the a HIGHER POWER. i am still clean and today, i still have the desire to remain clean, for another day. i can sit and make excuses, rationalize away my thoughts or justify why i might have had them. the fact of the matter is, it is what it is and nothing more.

∞ DT ∞