Blog entry for:

have to run anymore, from myself or from conflicts. in recovery i have the ways and means to be myself and live in harmony with others, even when i find myself in non-harmonious situations. done and done, if i go exactly by what the reading said, there is HOWEVER a few things i felt after i “sat” this morning, that are still on my mind.

Bernie C
4 years clean!
1461 JFTs
Congrats, my friend.

first off, i chose to go to a meeting a bit off my beaten path last night. in that room of nine addicts there was over a century of clean-time. when i shared about how onerous i felt with the twenty to thirty minute standard of conscious contact, i was more than pleasantly surprised, at least in that small sample of recovering addicts, that does not seem to be the norm. ironical, is it not, that i had struggled with be less than spiritually fit, for nearly two decades because i could not meet that standard. most of my peers, do not meet that suggestion i transformed into a yardstick either. man do i feel silly on one hand, and certainly relieved on another, and maybe, starting tomorrow, i will stop looking at the clock before i sit and when i finish, as i am coming to see that any suggestion i can turn into a dictum can trigger a moment of choice where i want to run and hide, because i believe that i am not spiritually adequate. the conflict here, is between what i think i am and what i actually am on all sorts of different scale and yardsticks. resolving what i perceive to be the flaws within me, to reality, has been an issue i have worked on, since the dawn of my recovery journey. sitting in that room last night, i felt something i have not felt for quite some time, a sense of belonging and the ability to be myself, without worrying about whether or not is was humble enough, spiritual enough, humorous enough or moving enough, when i shared. even in my home group, where i come the closest to feeling that sens of abandon, there is always a nagging doubt in the back of my head. last night, by the time i started down the canyon, it was gone and this morning i am feeling that what i use to divide myself from the pack, the “so-called” weight of my accumulated just for todays, is just one more way the part of me i call addiction, is working me over. in fact, last night feels as if it was the cure, just for today, for my clean date crazies and perhaps it will keep them at bay for the next 64 days or so, so oi can concentrate on being whole and part of a fellowship that only wants the best for me.
the plan for today? be a part of my life, take care of a few responsibilities and if time allows, continue my project of transforming my website into a pure object-oriented php project, so i can start the app on a page process next. it is a good day to be clean and hang with my peeps at an Independence day celebration.

∞ DT ∞