Blog entry for:

doing so, i learn new ways to resolve them instead of running from them.
what a different day, for the first time in nearly a decade i have a paid holiday, and am not quite sure what to do with myself. i will do some of my side work, i will wash my car, i may take a nap and besides all of that, who knows?? what i do know, is that to have a paid day to do whatever i want to, feels… well… different to say the least. which in thew huge scheme of how i see things is ginormous but not at all significant at the exact same time.
moving from there, this whole issue of conflict and my part in it, is certainly an topic worth looking into this morning. in my life, right now anyhow, there is a single person who i am at odds with. unfortunately, that person is a sponsee, who aspires to build a healthy friendship with me, but is concerned about things that i have little or no power to help him out of. part of who he is these days, is someone who believes that his past actions should dictate the nature and severity of his current consequences, and when i do not continue to bail him out materially and emotionally supporting him in his quixotic quest, i am the bad guy and he gets resentful and angry. well in this conflict i cannot win, as he does not really want to hear what i have to say, does not really care what i am feeling and emulates behavior he has seen, without actually adopting the spiritual structure that makes others behave as they do. how do i know this? why that can be me and was me.
for quite some time even after i came to recovery. i emotionally leeched from others what i could not find in myself. if my sagging self-esteem needed a boost, a quick argument, where i could intellectually bully someone into submission, was a quick fix. over the course of my active addiction. i had learned that i was good at doing conflict and if i played my cards correctly, i could come out on top nine times out of ten. even when i lost, i could arrange things to make you and i both feel like i had pommeled you into the dirt, and it felt great. conflict fed rage, and rage was just another symptom of addiction, as that made me feel great and powerful and justified all that i did.
today? well rage has left my life, but has been replaced by passion, and at times they feel quite similar. the difference is, that when i am passionate, i may feel angry, but i can listen, i can communicate and i can admit i am wrong, gracefully, without extracting my ten pounds of emotional flesh. today, i can handle conflict in a constructive manner, and yes even back down or walk away, without coming to a resolution. or at least most of the time. on this day that celebrates the first official step to the conflict that created the life i have, i can and will be certain that as long as i live and breathe, there will be conflict in my life. healthy relationships are not conflict-free, but can survive conflict and grow even stronger. today i am certain that while the bucks are rolling in, i can be more than i ever was and live a life where i can and will resolve the conflicts that arise in a healthy non-lethal manner and those where i cross over the line, well there is a step for that, and i can do it tonight.

∞ DT ∞