Blog entry for:

i did not get clean to keep running from life. in recovery, i do not have to run anymore. although it was in recovery that first taught me to run from conflict. well not really, it was me, once i entered recovery, who misinterpreted what i was being told, who decided that running from conflict was the **spiritual** thing to do.
when i was active in my addiction, i very seldom backed down from conflict. as i thought i was always right, and that if i manipulated you, or bullied you, or berated you enough, you would come to see my point of view and accept it as the TRUTH. so when i was starting to learn the difference between aggressive behavior and assertive behavior, i got more than a bit confused. someone, possibly my sponsor, told me that assertive behavior was the opposite of aggressive behavior, and while they were correct in this, i concluded that passive behavior was assertive behavior. so since i has already honed the ability to be passive-aggressive, i just removed the aggressive part from the equation and the world was a better place, but the rub was, i was not any happier, my relationships were not any healthier and i was not winning any new friends or influencing any more people. in short, that experiment was a failure. i kept at it, until i finally talked to my sponsor about it and of course he disabused me of my flawed reasoning.
yes, assertiveness is the spiritual opposite of aggressiveness, HOWEVER it is also the opposite of passiveness. in behavior, assertiveness is the third dimension, like depth is in geometry. i will not carry out this metaphor any further, except to say, once i saw that assertiveness has elements of aggressiveness and passiveness in it, i was better able to model truly assertive behavior. or at least attempt to do so.
i understand that the reading is about handling conflict, and i also understand that conflict is part of life, to expect anything else is to live in the delusion of denial. for me, the easier and softer road when it comes to conflict is to fall back into that whole passive-aggressive behavior that i learned and polished so well. learning to be assertive and acting in an assertive manner is the road that is far more difficult for me, and one that i NEED to choose when i find myself in conflict. oh yes, being assertive can also hurt feelings. i understand that also, and that is an unfortunate consequence. i have learned that i have to do what i will for me to be healthy. when i am properly assertive and someone’s teensey-weensy feelings get bruised, it is not me that needs to examine myself.
so anyhow, yes i pause when i find myself in conflict, i let my brain and my spiritual self catch up with my emotions, and only then do i continue to where i NEED to go, and sometimes, that means backing down, as even i am known to be wrong on that rare occasion ;) !
so my plan for today? do my tour of the neighborhood, enjoy a fine cigar or two, and finish up the work on my desk, so Monday morning i can start with my desk cleared off, and bill those i need to bill. most of all remember that of the three paths i can take in any conflict, proper assertiveness is always going to lead to the best conclusion, regardless of the immediate consequences.

∞ DT ∞