Blog entry for:

my idea is better, was always the my goal whenever i was in a discussion with anyone else, about anything at all, even if i had no clue as to whether or not i was correct. it was not as if that my desire to win every conversation suddenly disappeared when i got clean. in fact, it got amped up more than a bit, when i decided i had to “defend the faith” and keep the message in “my” meetings “pure.” time, steps and more than enough looks of consternation on the faces of my peers, finally convinced me that maybe, just maybe, i needed to STFU and pay attention to what was going on around me. as the days rolled by, i got more and more clues about how wrong i was most of the time and how it was quite possible that i was not nearly as smart or as knowledgeable as i portrayed. it took a very long minute for m to see that being an intellectual bully was not the way to earn respect of create long-lasting relationships of any sort.
fast forward to this morning. as i sat and attempted to find the void, i kept tripping over fantasies and what i need to get accomplished before i have surgery on Thursday. i want to be okay and let all of it go, but as zero hour fast approaches, it is getting harder and harder for me to do so. listening to my spouse, i can tell she is doing her best to be “strong” for me and prepare to take care of me, after the removal of my cancerous little buddy. showing signs of weakness and vulnerability, especially about my health, just seems to go against everything i was taught to believe in how a man is supposed to act. it is almost like relapsing into the toxic masculinity that was the culture i grew up in. i know there are many out there who long to return to a society where that is celebrated, i am, however, not one of those. this lapse into desiring to be what i am not, is a reaction to my FEAR of what will be revealed when the black box is opened and the results of the biopsies comes rolling into my inbox. this is certainly where the rubber hits the road for me and i have to rely on my FAITH that no matter what happens, i have the tools to deal with it and i have the people in my life who have my back and will support my journey into whatever may be my new reality.
right here and right now, it is time to dump these bits and bytes out into the public and get working on my current project for my employer. life today, is not that heinous and i can do better than just surviving. i know that if i allow myself to, i can thrive, no matter what. it is a very good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞