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denial protects the pain and makes it stronger. the Twelve Steps help me deal with the misery caused by my defects by dealing directly with the defects themselves.
once again, i am struck by the old phrase that timing is everything. i just realized last night while i was sitting in a meeting, how far along the sixth step process i am right now. it is true that i have an assignment that in my sponsor’s words will take "several weeks", but as i move forward, barely making the deadline week after week, i am coming to see how my defects of character arise out of a single overriding FEAR. the reading today, speaks about the FEAR of being painfully aware of our defects of character, creates resistance to working a FOURTH STEP, even though, i know from experience that is not the feelings i need to be afraid of, after all, i have yet to die from a feeling.
so although the reading focuses on the FOURTH STEP process, or rather drumming up the courage to actively participate in the FOURTH STEP process, what i hear this morning is how the TWELVE STEPS are a process by which i get better. the pain i feel by addressing who and what i am, is insignificant to the pain of active addiction. the pain of coming to see myself as i really is in my experience transitory and nothing to be feared. that little unpleasant fact does not stop me from feeling FEAR nor does it stop me from doing my level best to divert myself from the issue at hand. the wall of denial is still within me. the part of me i call my disease, worked long and hard to protect me from myself. in active addiction my true self was far too fragile to face the reality of who i was, after all, if i knew what my values were back then, how could i continue doing what i was doing? and i had to do what i was doing, in order to kill the feelings of remorse and pain i felt about not being a person that i wanted to be. that feedback loop, led to my use of substances to numb those inconvenient feelings, which were a direct result of the ways and means to get more. gawd what a life!
so after that brief diversion, i can better see, that the recovery process, with all of its painful feelings, unpleasant facts and uncomfortable revelations is the only way that i could break out of that particular loop. the act of revealing the less than savory parts of who i am is thew only way i can continue to choose to live a life based on spiritual principles. yes, just as my concept of the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN evolves, so does my concept of who i am. both of those processes are a result of doing more than just not using today, they are only fostered by actively living a program of recovery. the difference between the path of active addiction and active recovery is that i GET to choose to participate in my active recovery, and not act by default.
well the show must go on....
.... time to hit the showers and see what living in the solution can do for me today!

∞ DT ∞