Blog entry for:

the nightmare of addiction, a nightmare from which i have now awakened. i do not have to fear my feelings. just for today, i can continue in my recovery. this reading is more than appropriate for me this morning, as i gave my workout over to the object of my anger this morning, and guess what, the only one that is still suffering is me! the insanity here is that i keep doing the same thing, biting my tongue and getting the same results, disrespect and manipulated into doing and saying things that are not spiritual in nature. so this morning, after renting some space, i have decided that i will no longer participate in this dance. it is now abundantly clear to me, that my tango partner in this either has no desire to change their behavior, or are totally ignorant of it either way, the outcome is always the same. i end-up being pissed-off, i end up renting space and i end-up reacting to my anger in unhealthy ways. so after i do a bit of work, and accomplish a few things and allow myself to cool off, i will end this dance and walk away, it is not worth the pain and misery i inflict upon myself to continue. the pain of a quick removal from this particular relationship is far less, and with the steps and my sponsor’s guidance i do believe that i can extricate myself and be free. the sad part for me, is that i do not have a whole lot of friends and ‘X’ing one out, is not a behavior i carried forward past early recovery.
life is far too brief for me to walk around with expectations of others to conform to my ideals, and much as i loathe to admit it, in this matter there is absolutely no change and growth. i am still treated like someone that needs to be ‘handled’ and not a peer. this is how i was treated ten years ago, and if the past is any guide, this is how i will be treated ten years from now. it is me, that has to learn to accept that, and move on. when i find things intolerable the solution always boils down to i quick pass through the serenity prayer.
can i change this person? NO
can i change how i feel when i am treated in this manner? PROBABLY NOT
can i change how i react to those feelings? YES
so with that brief bit of wisdom, i will move forward in to my day, secure in the knowledge that my dance partner is clueless and that my removal from this dance will probably come with shock and awe, after all, it does take two to tango!

∞ DT ∞