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the pain and makes it stronger, my defects certainly do NOT disappear just because i try to ignore them, in fact, they often become more painful than ever.
as i sat and listened for what i heard from the reading this morning, i realized that yes, it does apply to me, even though i am not currently working a FOURTH STEP. one of my most insidious shortcomings is my need to look so much better than i am, all of the time. i know that it is chronic low self-esteem that drives that behavior, and it seems no matter how much better i seem to get, this defect of character has yet to be removed by the POWER that fuels my recovery. WTF do i need to do, anyhow❓❢
i did a get a clue yesterday, as i sat talking to one of the men who happens to call me his sponsor. i realized that over time, my self-image became wholly dependent on getting noticed and recognized by those around me. yeah, i know, having others see the good i am doing and give me a pat on the back, is not a bad thing, in fact it seems to be part of just being human. the part that goes beyond being human, however, is the set of behaviors i developed to ensure that i got noticed and that EVERYONE saw what a good, honorable, humble and spiritual person i have become in this instant. of course, when others fail to notice, i get all butt-hurt and resentful and pick up my toys and go home. that is just life in the big city in my book.
the irony here, and of course there certainly has to be one, when i try and suppress this behavior by acting all humble and demur, it pops out everywhere else. i am quite practiced at false humility and just as Norman Bates as Mother in the final scene of Psycho imagines he will not be seen as a killer, as he does not swat the fly, so i think, that If i act in a certain manner, i will bend popular opinion to match what i desire it to be. such a tough life to live and quite truthfully, almost as exhausting as living in active addiction. instead of feeding my head at opportunity, i am seeking the ways and means to stoke my ego, while appearing to be above it all.
so how did this realization come about? as i was working with my sponsee and edging him towards being able to articulate the core of STEP 12, i spoke of my own journey and where i still have to go. the greatest suggestion i ever got from my sponse in recent years was to serve my fellowship on the down-low, as id i were committing a felony, doing all i could do to not get caught. at first i thought it was frivolous and more than a bit insane, after all, why would i do anything, if there was no pay-out in attention and an elevation of my status in the eyes of my peers. the more accustomed i have become to doing service with no expectation of being noticed, the less i seemed to NEED to elevate myself or pretend that i was a piece of shite, when in the company of my peers. by just doing the next right thing and removing the expectation that it would be noticed, i began the process of detaching praise and admiration from my self-image, and became increasingly more comfortable with who and what i am. that process is far from complete and as i sit here examining the nature of powerlessness in my life today, i see that i do have a bit of power over this particular shortcoming, which in turn provides the opening for the POWER that fuels my recovery to relieve this defect. with that in mind, i thi nk i will wrap this up and totter of to join the real world, after all, it is a good day to be more than i was yesterday, and clean to boot.

∞ DT ∞