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from time to time, i get a sense that the readings are protecting me from myself. at other times, i want to pick them apart for some imagined flaw or poorly constructed metaphor. most of the time, however, there is very little emotional reaction to the reading, and i am left feeling ambivalent about them. this morning, well i am in that okay, nothing to see here, move along.
yes, the 4TH STEP can release all sorts of things, feelings and strong emotional reactions are just part of the package. yes, the 4TH step is just the start of the process of personality change, that is the result of the the 4TH through 9TH STEP process. i am far from my normal self today, as i can have no coffee or anything to eat, until after my trip to the lab at 10:30 this morning. so perhaps as a result of all of that, my cynicism is kicked into high gear. that being said, it sometimes strikes me, that the more my peers whine about the pain and fear that a 4TH step may bring about, the greater the disappointment, if they have a different emotional reaction at all. just as i am “supposed” feel sad and blue if someone dies. what does it say about me if i have a different emotional reaction? that somehow i am weird, abnormal, and not human? the can run that same test on the myriad of human experiences and gauge my emotional reactions based on what i am “supposed” to feel, and what i will get a is a totally different set of results, more than likely each and every time the series is examined. what i feel, at any given time, is a result of far more than the triggering event, so to blithely write about how a 4TH STEP may make so emotional and fearful, i can say, that most of the time, that is exactly how i will feel.
what i really heard in the reading, however, was that it is the steps beyond 4 that need to be consummated and that what i once believed i could do, fix myself, is now in the hands of something greater than me, the POWER that fuels my recovery.
anyhow, before writing myself intro a spiritual corner i cannot free myself from, i will move along down the road and do my best not nto let the hunger and caffeine withdrawals affect my driving or the rest of my day. this all shall pass and i will survive.

∞ DT ∞