β it is not the awareness of my defects that causes the most agony -- it is the defects themselves β
Posted: Mon, Sep 25, 2006 07:24:38 AM
much as i want to deny, whine, rationalize, explain or justify, the title of this blog says it all. perhaps i will just leave it at that this morning and move on.
actually i do believe i have a bit more to say, now that i am starting to get rolling. the reading was about one of the reasons many of us choose to dawdle on the fourth step, and while that is the step i am currently writing, i would like to think that i am a bit more complex than all of that, and as a result my reasons for dawdling on my fourth step stem from a different source. truthfully the urge to resist the process and finding excuses not to find the time to write springs from the character defects hat have already been revealed to me, through my previous jaunts through the process. exploring them again does not cause me any conscious fear, where i believe the reading applies to my life is the fear of discovery of more character defects. after all i have been subjecting myself to the recovery process for a number of days now, and as the more obvious and ugly things get stripped away, i have a tendency to find more subtle but just as deadly pieces of me waiting to be revealed.
so what is the addict to do? well for one, pick up my pen and return to the writing process and allow what ever needs to happen, to happen. allow a loving HIGHER POWER to reveal what work needs to be done and surrender to that knowledge. out of that surrender will come the healing i long for so much, but resist with my entire being. why do i resist? who knows, pewrhaps the completion of my fourth step will reveal that or at least provide more than one clue and that would be a good thing today!
actually i do believe i have a bit more to say, now that i am starting to get rolling. the reading was about one of the reasons many of us choose to dawdle on the fourth step, and while that is the step i am currently writing, i would like to think that i am a bit more complex than all of that, and as a result my reasons for dawdling on my fourth step stem from a different source. truthfully the urge to resist the process and finding excuses not to find the time to write springs from the character defects hat have already been revealed to me, through my previous jaunts through the process. exploring them again does not cause me any conscious fear, where i believe the reading applies to my life is the fear of discovery of more character defects. after all i have been subjecting myself to the recovery process for a number of days now, and as the more obvious and ugly things get stripped away, i have a tendency to find more subtle but just as deadly pieces of me waiting to be revealed.
so what is the addict to do? well for one, pick up my pen and return to the writing process and allow what ever needs to happen, to happen. allow a loving HIGHER POWER to reveal what work needs to be done and surrender to that knowledge. out of that surrender will come the healing i long for so much, but resist with my entire being. why do i resist? who knows, pewrhaps the completion of my fourth step will reveal that or at least provide more than one clue and that would be a good thing today!
∞ DT ∞