Blog entry for:

an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic. although it has been my experience, that is not the case. i have never died from a feeling nor have i ever been so overcome by pain and panic that i was immobilized into a catatonic state. nevertheless, when i approach things that trigger strong feelings, i still get that same reaction: FEAR that maybe this time…
it is not that old FEAR that is the problem, i understand what that comes form. that comes from the part of me that i call my addiction. coming from that part of me, it is a valid feeling, after all, every time i face a painful feeling and survive the cascade of reactions to that feeling, addiction has one less tool to use against the part of me that desires to be a healthy, whole and genuine person. okay i am back in that trap of talking about myself as if i was some sort of multiple personality patient. addiction is not some alien within, although sometimes it feels like. nor is addiction a full-blown personality like someone called Raoul, who i used to blame for those things i could not push off on to someone else. addiction is part of the person i am. i can acknowledge that and move on. the problem comes when i speak to my conflicting feelings within, so i have to resort into speaking of things as if there were multiple personalities within me. the part of me i call my addict is no different than the part of me that wants to recover, in a physical sense. emotionally that part of me is incapable of facing the reality of feelings, and has taught my whole person that drug induced euphoria is a GREAT alternative to feeling. after 25 years of such conditioning, it is not so hard to understand why when i see possibly painful feelings coming down the pike, that FEAR is my first reaction. i can choose to cave in, or i can walk with courage and face that situation and see that once again i will survive a bout of painful feelings, in fact i will be better off, because of such an experience.
so even though i was up way to early this morning, and even though i have yet to succeed in everything i wanted to accomplish this morning, i am okay and i am ready to take myself and the dawg out for a nice long walk. i can and i will face any feelings that may arise today, painful or not. there is life in recovery and i think i will go enjoy some of it this morning, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞