Blog entry for:

by giving me the help i need to work the Twelve Steps. i do not have to fear my feelings. no what i have to fear, is my reactions to those feelings, as demonstrated lately. those reaction are changed as a result of the last time i worked steps 4 through 7, but as i have changed, i have a whole new set of reactions to examine and allow to be changed.
moving forward today, i have one more unpleasant conversation to deal with, some work on my desk that NEEDS to be done TODAY, as i took the afternoon off, yesterday, FOOTBALL, a meeting and whatever else happens to be needed to be squeezed in as a result of all those planned activities. that leaves very little time to just relax and ease into my day, which of course drives me fVcking nutz!
yes, there is one of those reactions to my feelings i was speaking about earlier. back in the day, that meant i GOT to use to relieve my stress. nowadays, it means i face it, or i act out, which probably means raging away at someone who is not really the source of my frustration. after all, it is me, who has packed this day full of activities and i cannot of course allow myself to rage at me, you guys keep telling me to give myself a break, and take it easy on myself. so if i am not allowed by peer pressure to hurt myself, that leaves me very few alternatives. quite a nice cop-out, the part of me i call addiction uses against me. just like how i used to lie, by not telling the whole truth, that part of me doe the exact same thing. HMM, i wonder where i learned that from? that is rhetorical of course, i know where that comes from. the REAL alternative is to see what is causing my frustration -- overcommitment to the almighty ‘$,’ and how to relieve that pressure -- just say NO, to more weekend work for now. nothing ever looks that simple before i stop, feel and listen to what i really need to be hearing right here and right now.
so where do i go from here?
well i do believe a cigar and some laptop work is the first stage, then maybe carry the laptop for a bit of multitasking during the game, and finally a meeting with those who love and understand me, even though i do my best to shut them out. after all of that, i will be satisfied with what i get worked off my desk and be content,that i did the best i could, just for today.
sounds like the plan for right now, so off to the patio go!

∞ DT ∞