Blog entry for:

at my using days, self-delusion had become second nature to me. coming from that fog and into reality was not an easy task, nor one that was accomplished in a second. in fact is is still ongoing, as every now and again, i catch myself justifying or rationalizing something away, by telling myself well “at least i did not use!” for the longest time, that was a very important justification in my life. i saw it was better than “what did you expect, i am, after all, just an addict🙻” as i walk through each day, i get more than ample opportunity to put into action what i have learned and what i have come to believe, such as a good deed is one that i need not brag about, even if no one “caught me in the act.”
ever since i walked into the rooms, honesty has been mentioned so many times, it feels more than a bit cliché. for me, it was tough, as i was a poor liar, a decent thief and a great instigator. what i did not believe was that i was an equal to anyone, i was either way above or certainly way below all that i saw, n d i had to judge quickly where on the continuum i fell whenever i met someone new. getting clean, working some steps and coming out of the delusion the lie i lived with for so long, certainly brought me too a new place of honesty. i know i am far from perfect and i am not the “model of a recovering addict,” but each and every day i can honestly look to what i have done, what i have been through and how i handled what came down the road, and see where i was adequate, less than stellar or outstanding. the amazing part of that, is most days i am closer to outstanding rather than less than stellar.
anyhow, i need to shower off my work out and scrape the whiskers from my face, so it is time to post this little ditty and get on with my day. i can honestly assess myself these days, and i know that if i have FAITH in the recovery process, that task will become even more of as second nature to me. what i am most amazed by, is that for the most part i am doing better than i think i am and when i stop trying to please the world around me, i am mush more comfot0rtable in my skin, just for today.

∞ DT ∞