Blog entry for:

i can remind my of the nightmare of addiction, a nightmare from which i have now awakened.
so this morning, the drive to work was certainly as heinous as it could get in good weather, on dry pavement, back-ups miles long because of the actions of others. defects of character, certainly kick in, when i am in traffic, and to my credit not a single driver got the single fingered salute from me. i was not the most serene and accepting driver on the road, and took more than one detour through the countryside, to get to work this morning, and yet it was still an hour to travel less than 20 miles. i felt trapped and powerless, familiar feelings, from the end of active addiction, and when i finally got a chance to sit down and allow myself a moment to stop and breathe, i see that more than one metaphor here.
it is true, i HATE feeling like i have no power, and yet in those instances, i seem to give away what power i do possess. truthfully, there is only one thing i am totally powerless over all the time, and that is addiction. traffic lights, accidents and the weather, i can prepare for, anticipate some of the consequences, but in the long run, i am also powerless over them as well. the feelings that arise from such situations are driven by my seemingly inherent NEED to be in control, which i what i had the illusion of, way back when i was still using. that denial system, although mostly dismantled through the recovery process, still has remnants that are active today. it seems that familiar and comfortable feelings and reactions take more time to be removed than has already elapsed. which brings me back to feeling powerless. i hold up my part in this relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery and yet there still exists the stuff that got burned into me across the course of active addiction, and all i want is FREEDOM from that sh!t.
all things are however, relevant. the reading reminds me, that no matter where i happen to be in my recovery process, i am certainly better off than when i started and all i have to do is remember what it used to be like, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. IF i want relief, than the next right thing to do, is to finish my assignment, and move forward in my recovery. whether that means writing a FOURTH STEP or practicing truly anonymous, selfless service.
with that in mind, i think i will serve those who are giving me the money to survive and get back to work. it is a good day to be…

∞ DT ∞