Blog entry for:

with the help of POWER that fuels my recovery, i will continue to do the next right thing.
i have been going on and on about not feelling pain and turning it into anger and feeling that just fine. i guess i no longer need to go on about that, at least not today, so i will move into something different.
i shared the other night, about my paradigm shift to a HOPE based program. as comfortable as that feels, it does not mean that FEAR does not creep back into my recovery and consume me. FEAR of feeling pain, is part of what i am learning in my SIXTH STEP and although the clues are slow in coming, i am starting to see exactly what is motivating my desire to NOT feel the pain of facing my past.
that however, is a topic of conversation for me and my sponse, as much as i would love to go into here, it is better left for the privacy of someone i trust with my life. i will say this, as i get deeper to the root cause, i see that it is my internalization of the cultural and social messages i have received all of my life, that is wreaking havoc with the direction i feel i NEED to be moving in.
the HOPE? well that i can get entirely ready to discard what i think i need to look like to fit in with the expectations that i have come to believe are part of living in the real world. the truth is, that belief system has been killing me, since i was 15 years old, and although i have made strides in discarding bits and pieces of it, it still is part of my life. ironic, that it is my character defect of “keeping up with the Joneses,” that is still the most active in my life. i can state that i am sick and tired of working and worrying about how i look to others and am ready to get off that particular treadmill. that may be yet another symptom of becoming entirely ready, it certainly is starting to feel that way. the next right thing? suit up and go out for a fitness walk, while my hamstring works on healing as well. it is a great day to be clean and be present for whatever happens to come down the pike.

∞ DT ∞