Blog entry for:

i ignored the suffering my defects caused me. now that the drugs are gone, i feel that pain. refusing to acknowledge the source of my anguish does not make it go away. today, i face those defects head-on, and even when i am afraid, i can move through the fear and find a new manner of living, enough said! ta-ta for now.
of course, i am far to narcissistic to leave it at that. even admitting that is tough some days, but seriously, this reading brings up all sorts of feeling in me even today. not that i believe that i am in denial about my character defects, the behaviors that arise from them, and the consequences to myself and others when i finish that cycle. no i am painfully aware of all of that and more. i even understand that i have a choice to finish those cycles out tot the end, or break them some time after the character defect starts to kick in. after all, i have worked the steps. and have some time clean, and a bit of understanding of how painful it is to live, believing that i am some sort of victim of my defects of character. that makes it even worse, i KNOW better and yet i CONTINUE to ACT on them.
so i could stay in the doom and gloom and offer very little in the way of HOPE, and honestly, when i started writing this, that is where i thought i would dwell today. HOWEVER, i am choosing to look at something a bit brighter. in fact i am focusing on my behavior over the past six days. i was asked to be a part of something last Saturday, and instead of jumping in and saying yes or no, i said i need to think about it, as i have some very GRAVE reservations about the person with whom i would be working, and how well we do or do not work together. so wj=hat did i do? well i called my sponse and did a quickie dump of my feelings and concerns with him. i then, just sat still and did not think about it, for a few days, and the next step came to me, speak to the person and let them know what was up with me. so i did that and spoke with them yesterday. the next step, talk to my sponse again, now that i have the information available that i need to make an informed decision. finally, after another chat with my sponsor allow myself time to finish tumbling this around. i know a long and drawn out process, and with most decisions i do not have this sort of time. i am however, fairly certain as to my answer, as it came to me in the working of Step 10 last night, but that has not been written in stone, and i will complete the process i started by seeking the input of an outside party before casting that decision in at least wood.
anyhow, as i am running a bit behind schedule, i NEED to hit the streets and get my endorphins as well as everything else flowing, so yes, i have defects of character that have the ability to start the acting-out process. it is up to me to live in the here and now, and choose to ask for the help of a HIGHER POWER, to keep from acting in that manner, just for today. when the time comes for my next FOURTH STEP i will be open to learn what i need to learn then. so off to the races i go.

∞ DT ∞